


How Do You Talk to an Angel?

by supernatural9917



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - College/University, Aversion Therapy, Background Charlie/Gilda, Background Michael/Hester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Castiel has Anxiety, College | University Student Castiel (Supernatural), College | University Student Dean Winchester, Conservative Evangelical Christianity is not portrayed in a positive light, Crisis of Faith, Dean starts a band, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Innocent Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Minor John Winchester/Mary Winchester, Non-Consensual Electroconvulsive Therapy, Quiverfull ideology, Religious Fanaticism, Singer Dean Winchester, background Hannah/Joe Johnson, background Zachariah/Naomi (Castiel's parents), brief and mostly off-screen Dean/Nick Munroe, conversion therapy, deancaspinefest, religious-motivated homophobia, who are total assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:48:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23483353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernatural9917/pseuds/supernatural9917
Summary: In August 1994, Castiel Novak leaves his sheltered, evangelical homeschooling background in tiny Lebanon, Kansas to attend the University of Kansas in Lawrence. His roommate is Dean Winchester, engineering student and wannabe rock star, who becomes his best friend and turns his world completely upside down. Through a combination of his liberal arts education and his friendship with Dean, Castiel starts to leave behind the strict and unyielding faith of his parents, and eventually starts coming to terms with the fact that his feelings for Dean are more than those of a friend. He's certain the feelings are one-sided, but much worse than unrequited love is what his parents would do if they ever found out. Can Castiel get past his crises of faith, identity, and sexuality to find happiness?
Relationships: Balthazar/Gabriel (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 60
Kudos: 152
Collections: Dean/Cas Pinefest 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been a journey! The song _How Do You Talk to an Angel?_ , for those of you too young or non-American to remember, was a chart hit from the early 90s TV show The Heights, which lasted about 12 episodes before being cancelled. I'm not sure I ever even watched the show, but the song was a massive hit and I loved it so much that it still has a place on my iPhone today. Anytime it came on in my car, it would make me want to write a fic set in the 90s with Dean as the singer and Cas as the titular angel. 
> 
> The idea for what this eventually became has a mixture of inspirations. I had the misfortune of dating a Southern Baptist when I was in high school (sorry, Southern Baptists, but I hate your religion), and literally heard people from his church say what Cas says in chapter 1 about the Catholic church, among other views that Cas or his family espouse through the fic. I also follow a blog called [Love, Joy, Feminism](https://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/), written by a woman who underwent a similar journey to the one I've written for Cas, though she didn't have the added gay thing and thus didn't have to undergo conversion therapy or a complete break from her family. I've used some stories she has told in her blog as templates for Cas's experiences.
> 
> There are a few sections which may be difficult to read, and I will put warnings at the beginnings of the chapters for those. General warning, I'm an atheist who really doesn't like religion, so the legalistic, cruel, conservative religion of Cas's family gets pretty short shrift from me. If you're bothered by religion being treated disrespectfully, this may not be the fic for you. For anyone who might think the views or behaviours are exaggerated, I can assure you that it's all unfortunately realistic.
> 
> I've taken the liberty of using some of my favourite bits of 90s slang, and I humbly request that you imagine Dean looking like [this](https://www.media1.hw-static.com/wp-content/uploads/jensen-ackles-getty-images-091715.jpg) and Cas like [this](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e7/95/90/e79590f8bdbb80ee593bb12c54a7f30c.jpg).
> 
> Big thanks as always to my wonderful friend and beta, [Athaclena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/athaclena), and to the Pinefest moderators for running such a lovely challenge and being so flexible with all the difficulties we're facing at this time. Unfortunately my original artist wasn't able to finish the art in the end, but I was lucky enough to have my beloved friend [Deli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliciousirony) jumped in to save the day in time for my posting date. Please give the [art post](https://delicious-irony.tumblr.com/post/615850683734900736/art-for-supernatual9917fics-deancaspinefest) some love, she deserves it!

__

_August 1994_

His parents hadn't been pleased that he'd decided to come to a public, liberal arts school, and now, standing in the maelstrom of check-in, Castiel began to understand why. He had known on an intellectual level that they feared what influence such a secular environment might have, but having never been exposed to many secular environments, he hadn't truly understood, on a visceral level, just what a secular environment entailed. Standing here, now, as all the other freshmen at the University of Kansas walked around wearing shorts and tank tops and other such revealing summerwear, Castiel suddenly felt completely out of place in his khaki pants, button down shirt, tie and sweater-vest. He suddenly understood how _different_ he was.

Unlike probably almost everyone else in the room, he'd been homeschooled all his life. His parents had found religion late, but when they did, they had really gone for it. By the time he'd been born, the youngest of five children (though not intentionally- his parents had envisioned half a dozen more, but God had chosen not to bless them with further fruitfulness), they were fully embedded in the zealotry of Christian fundamentalism, homeschooling all of the children and imposing harsh rules and a stark divide between their sons and their daughters. The girls, Hannah and Hael, had learned early on to help with the household chores, while the boys, Michael, Gabriel and Castiel, had been taught manlier pursuits like hunting, fishing, and working with their hands to fix things around the house, and build shelters for the homeless with their church.

Well… they had tried those things with Castiel, anyway. While his brothers took to those activities like fish to water, Castiel's father had given up on Castiel when, at the age of twelve, he'd managed to shoot himself in the hand with a staple gun that he was only meant to hand to Michael. After that, he'd been allowed to pursue his own interests, which had been books. Only approved books, of course. The Bible, obviously (King James only), books written by the correct Christian apologists, books about creationism, and for fiction, C. S. Lewis and handpicked novels his parents picked up from the Christian bookstore. Castiel hadn't cared; he loved them all, read and re-read whatever he could get his hands on, and his parents comforted themselves by assuming that he would one day become a minister, or maybe even go into politics to make America a Christian nation as God intended.

That was certainly Castiel's plan. That was why he had started reading apologetics at age fifteen. It was why he'd asked his mother to teach him philosophy and logic, so he could make proper arguments for their views. And that was why he had asked to go to a secular college instead of the conservative Christian universities his parents had preferred, Liberty University, or even Wheaton College if he wanted a full liberal arts education; instead, he had argued that he needed to be out among the non-believers if he was going to be able to bring them to Christ. How could he save them, he had asked, if he had never even talked to them?

That logic training had come in very handy, for here he was in Lawrence, Kansas, over 200 miles from his home in tiny Lebanon, and fully among the heathens.

It was terrifying.

Castiel took a deep breath and prayed for calmness and courage before walking over to the table labelled M-O. There were a few people in front of him, so it was a few minutes before he found himself in front of the upperclassman doling out dorm assignments and welcome packs. 'Name?'

'Castiel Novak.'

The young man rifled through the box and pulled out a thick envelope. 'Here you go. Do you want me to show you the way to your dorm on the campus map?'

'Oh, no thank you, I know the way.' He had studied the campus map obsessively from the moment he had received his dorm assignment in the mail. He took the envelope and stepped away from the table, turning back at the last moment to say, 'God bless you.'

'Uh, thanks,' the other student said with a confused expression. 'But I didn't sneeze or anything.'

Castiel opened his mouth to correct him, but he had already turned his attention to the next person in line, so instead Castiel headed out and towards his dorm. He had only his backpack and a rolling suitcase with his possessions, so the short walk wasn't very taxing. His parents had been unable to bring him to Lawrence, as freshman move-in had coincided with their church's annual summer retreat, so Gabriel had driven Castiel as far as Salina for him to get the Greyhound the rest of the way to Lawrence. There was nobody on this campus, in this town, in this half of the state, who knew him.

He had never felt so alone.

As he approached Colt Hall, he heard laughter and music. A group of students sat on the wide steps of the dorm, a couple of them with guitars and one girl even holding bongo drums on her lap. The three people with instruments were playing a song while the others watched appreciatively, singing along to what was presumably a popular song- not that Castiel would know. When the song finished, everyone clapped, and Castiel saw his chance to sneak past them to the front door.

'Any requests?' said one of the guitar players, but Castiel assumed he was speaking to the crowd and kept walking. 'Hey, kid with the suitcase.' Castiel cringed and turned around but kept looking down at the ground. 'What's your name?'

'Um… Castiel,' he replied softly, his face burning. The guitar player didn't respond, presumably confused by the unusual name, so Castiel gave his usual follow-up explanation. 'I'm named after an angel.'

'Well OK then. You got any requests for us, Angel?'

'Oh, um, no thank you. I don't really know any songs.' He let his eyes flick up to the guitar player and his heart felt like it had stopped.

He was probably the most beautiful boy Castiel had ever seen. His lips were full and pink, his hair parted in the middle and slightly floppy in a cut Castiel had noticed seemed fashionable among his peers, a light brown slightly bleached by the summer sun. His features were perfect, delicate to the point of prettiness, and he wore light blue ripped up jeans and a white tank top with a flannel shirt tied around his waist. To his horror, Castiel's mouth went dry, and when the boy's eyebrow went up, he realised he'd been staring for way too long.

'How can you not know any songs, dude?' he asked when Castiel finally brought his eyes back to the ground.

'I, um… I wasn't… I just don't,' he replied, for some reason unwilling to explain to this crowd of strangers that his parents had forbidden radio and television in their house so that demons couldn't enter through popular culture. He remembered hearing them speak in hushed tones about songs and programmes encouraging pre-marital relations and sodomy and wondered if the songs this beautiful boy was singing were like that.

'OK, well, sorry to bother you, then,' the boy said. 'See you around, Angel.' He winked at Castiel before turning his attention back to the others.

Castiel ran inside the dorm before the next song began, his heart pounding with fear at the stirrings of sinful thought the handsome singer had elicited. Lust was bad enough, but lust for another man? Castiel shuddered as he thought of his father's words concerning that particular abomination. Leaning against a wall, he prayed for strength to fight this sin, to close off his soul from the demonic influences that must have caused such a lapse. Perhaps his father and mother had been right about music- after all, the feeling had come after hearing the song the other students had been playing. It felt like a weak explanation, but Castiel leapt on it wholeheartedly nonetheless and continued his progress into the building.

Inside the lobby was a table with the two resident assistants for the small all-male dorm. 'Welcome!' one of them said as Castiel walked up. 'I'm Garth, and this is Benny, we're the RAs for Colt Hall!' Garth was skinny and apparently very excitable, his wide smile making Castiel feel a little calmer. Benny was burly like a football player and was the first person Castiel had ever seen in his own age group who had a full beard, but his eyes looked gentle and he smiled at Castiel kindly. 'What's your name?'

'Castiel Novak.'

Garth found his name on the list and crossed it off with a highlighter. 'Nice to meet you, Castiel. Your roommate is Dean Winchester, he checked in a little while ago. Just go up those stairs, turn left, and your room's on the left about halfway down.'

'Thank you. God bless you.' He looked at Garth nervously in case he also assumed that was only to be said after sneezing, but Garth just smiled and gave him a little wave.

'You too, bud.'

He dragged the suitcase up the stairs and found his room easily. His roommate's things were thrown onto the bed next to the window, so Castiel put his own suitcase on the other bed, and as neither desk had yet been claimed, he put his backpack on the one next to his bed. The room was stiflingly hot, so he opened the window, expecting to hear music again, but it seemed the impromptu concert had finished already. Surprised to find that he was a bit disappointed, Castiel turned his attention to unpacking. He had mostly finished hanging up his dress shirts in the closet when the door of the room flew open.

'Well howdy again, Angel,' said the beautiful boy with a broad grin. 'I guess we're roommates.'

'Oh, hello,' Castiel replied, cheeks burning. 'You're Dean?'

'That's me. I thought your name sounded familiar when you introduced yourself. You need any help?' Dean walked right over to Castiel's closet and leaned against the frame with his arms crossed, the grin never leaving his face.

'Thank you, but I'm all finished now. I don't have many possessions.'

'That's cool. Bet you're real tidy, right? Don't worry about that mess,' Dean waved towards the pile on his bed, 'I just wanted to join in the jam session before unpacking, but I'm not a slob.'

'That's good. Thank you.' Castiel tucked his suitcase away in the corner of the closet and closed the door. 'So, um, what are you studying, Dean?'

'Mechanical engineering. I'm gonna design cars when I grow up. How about you?'

'Religious studies.'

'Oh yeah? Gonna be a priest or something?'

Castiel looked appalled. 'The Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon,' he answered gravely. 'I would never be a priest.'

Dean raised an eyebrow. 'Uh, OK, sure. Whore of Babylon. So what do you want to do?'

'I'm not sure yet. I might become a minister, or perhaps a missionary. I'm still waiting for God to show me my path.'

'Wow, you're, uh… you're really religious, aren't you?' Dean asked with a bit of discomfort evident in his voice and expression.

'I am. But it's OK if you're not,' Castiel added quickly. 'I knew when I chose this school that it would be very secular.'

'Yeah, I'm really not,' Dean admitted. 'But I respect your faith, and if you want to set some ground rules about what's OK and what isn't, I'm cool with that.'

'Thank you, that's very thoughtful of you. I, um… well, I would prefer if there wasn't any,' he paused and blushed deeply, 'fornication in the room.'

'Fornication. OK. What counts as fornication?' Castiel must have looked terrified at the thought of having to answer that question, because Dean then continued, 'Do you mean just sex, or anything physical with someone, like kissing?'

'I would prefer nothing more than hugging, but if I'm not here and you want to kiss someone, that's OK. But please no… you know.' Castiel felt pathetic- he couldn't even bring himself to say the S-word. 'And of course, no self-abuse.'

'Sorry, what?'

'Self-abuse. Manual stimulation of yourself?' Castiel clarified.

'Wait, are you saying no jerking off in my own room?' Dean asked incredulously.

'If that's what you call it, yes.'

'OK, dude, that's… I mean, yeah, when you're in the room, of course not, but when I'm by myself? That seems a bit unfair. Where do you do it, in the shower?'

Castiel looked horrified again. 'No! I never do it!'

Dean gaped at him. 'What, never _never_? Like in your entire life?' Castiel nodded, horrified that this was the first conversation he was having with his roommate but unsure how to extricate himself from it. 'How the fu…dge did you manage that?'

'I just pray until the urge goes away,' Castiel shrugged.

'Dude,' Dean said with a shake of his head, 'sorry, but I can only promise not to do it while you're in the room, and not to bring back any dates. Praying doesn't work for me.'

Castiel considered this, and eventually nodded. 'That's a fair compromise. I accept.'

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. 'Great, cool. And I assume you don't want me to swear either?'

'I realise I'll be exposed to swearing, but if you could try not to take the Lord's name in vain or otherwise blaspheme, I would appreciate it.'

'Right, I'll try to remember that.'

'Do you have any rules for me?' Castiel asked earnestly.

'Um, just one really. Please don't try to convert me.'

'Oh. You don't want me to witness to you?' Even Castiel could hear the disappointment in his own voice. Not even a full day on campus and he was already being asked to silence his faith.

'Not really. It's nothing personal, I just have my own kind of spiritual thing goin' on, you know, and I don't think anyone really appreciates being told they're going to hell for supposedly believing the wrong thing.'

'But Dean, to avoid hell all you need to do is accept-'

'Cas,' Dean said sharply, putting his hand up, 'please. That's literally my only rule, man. I'm willing to discuss religious stuff with you on an academic level or whatever if you want, but I'm not interested in joining your specific flavour of Christianity or anything, OK? I'll respect your faith if you respect mine.'

Castiel hardly knew what to say; the environment he'd grown up in hadn't allowed for anything of the sort, but faced with the ultimatum now, he didn't see how anyone could find it unreasonable. And besides, surely his actions could be just as effective a testimony as his words, showing Dean on a daily basis how grace influenced his life for the better. Yes, he could live by Dean's rule. 'Agreed.' He extended his hand, and they shook on it. 'God bless you, Dean.'

Dean patted his shoulder. 'You too, Cas.'

Nobody had ever called him Cas before, as his parents had absolutely forbidden nicknames. He decided that he liked it.

By Wednesday, Castiel was convinced that Orientation Week should have been called Disorientation Week. His head was spinning with all of the information that had been given to him by the university, as well as by other students trying to get him to join their clubs and societies. He decided to join two of them: Campus Crusade for Christ and the debate club. The CCC was led by a charismatic young man named Bartholomew, a Baptist from Minnesota who Castiel was sure would earn the approval of his parents with his appropriately conservative views. The leader of the debate club… well, Castiel probably wouldn't mention Pamela Barnes to his parents.

At least he had the sanctuary of his dorm room to fall back on. Dean was a good roommate so far- he'd kept his promise about being tidy after he'd properly unpacked, and he was respectful of Castiel's space and belongings. He had done another couple of jam sessions on the porch and seemed to be trying to start a band. From what Castiel could understand of his excited ramblings, so far, he had managed to recruit a cheerful redheaded girl named Charlie, who claimed to play keyboard and another guitarist named Chuck. He was trying to convince their neighbour down the hall, Kevin, to play bass, and a British guy on the floor above them, Crowley, for drums.

Castiel paid attention, but he didn't know any of the songs Dean said he wanted his future band to play. He went a bit pale the first time Dean played a cassette on his little boom box to introduce him to Led Zeppelin, but he didn't feel any different afterwards, so hopefully that meant no demons had come into the room with the music.

It certainly had seemed very encouraging of pre-marital relations, though, and even Dean seemed to realise it when he stopped the tape halfway through _Whole Lotta Love_. 'Uh, yeah, anyway, so that's Zep,' he'd said with a blush on his cheeks.

'I've never heard anything like it,' Castiel said truthfully. 'Um, my church had a rock concert a few months ago. DC Talk played.' He realised how lame it must have sounded to someone as worldly as Dean, but his roommate didn't laugh at him.

'Oh, yeah, I've heard of them. They won a Grammy, I think. That must have been pretty cool.' Dean smiled so kindly that Castiel couldn't help but smile back.

'It was exciting. My parents didn’t like it very much though, they prefer more traditional hymns.'

'My mom loves gospel music. She's got a bunch of tapes of Elvis singing it.'

Castiel nodded, for once understanding a popular culture reference. 'My grandmother likes Elvis very much, but my mother says he danced very sinfully so we shouldn't listen to his music.'

'Your mom is kinda, um, strict, isn't she?'

That was certainly one word for Naomi Novak. 'She's very concerned with our salvation,' Castiel replied diplomatically.

'You haven't really talked much about your family yet,' Dean said gently. 'Is it a sensitive topic?'

'No, no, I guess it just hasn't come up. What would you like to know?'

Dean shrugged. 'You got any siblings?'

'Oh yes. I have two older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, and two older sisters, Hannah and Hael. Michael is the oldest, then Hannah, then Gabriel, then Hael, then me.'

'The baby, huh?' Dean grinned.

'Yes. They had hoped for more, but God decided they'd had enough, I suppose.'

'They wanted _more_ kids? Dude, that's already, like, a lot of kids.'

'"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate."'

'Say what now?'

'Um, perhaps you're more familiar with "be fruitful and multiply" instead?' Castiel asked, using his fingers to indicate the biblical quotation.

'Finger quotes? You're such a dork,' Dean teased, but he was smiling in a way that made Castiel feel like he wasn't being mean. 'Uh, yeah, I mean, I've heard that one. So, they just have as many kids as happen to come out?'

'Yes, but after I was born, they weren't able to have more. It wasn't my fault or anything,' he added hastily, 'the doctor told them that.'

Dean frowned. 'Of course it wouldn't be your fault, Cas, you were a baby for fu…dge sake.' He put a hand on Castiel's shoulder. 'I seriously hope nobody's ever tried to make you feel guilty for that. That would be seriously messed up, man.'

Castiel pushed down thoughts of Michael taunting him for having salted his mother's womb on his way out in favour of Dean's interpretation. 'You're a very kind person, Dean.'

Dean shrugged it off, as Castiel was starting to notice he did anytime someone complimented him. 'Nah, I'm just not a total dick. Uh, jerk. Sorry.'

'It's all right, Dean, you can use those kinds of swear words, I can handle it.'

'Right, yeah, sorry.' He rubbed the back of his neck as he searched for a more comfortable subject. 'So it must have been rough taking five kids to school and clubs and sports and stuff everyday.'

'Oh no, we were homeschooled.'

'You were what?' Dean looked surprised, almost shocked.

'Homeschooled. Before my parents were as devout as they are now, my mother studied to be a teacher, and taught in a public school until Michael was born. She was so horrified by what she saw there that she never went back and chose to stay home and teach us herself.'

'Man, that must have been pretty intense. How'd you get into college?'

'I had to take SATs and ACTs like everyone else.'

'What'd you get?'

'1580 on the SAT, thirty-five on the ACT.'

Dean whistled, 'Dang, Cas, you're a genius!'

'No, not really, I just study very hard.' He blushed as he realised that perhaps Dean wasn't the only one who couldn't take a compliment very well.

'Dude, you don't get scores like that just from studying. You're an actual genius. Hey, if I need any math tutoring, will you help me?'

Castiel blushed even more deeply at the thought of sitting close to Dean at one of their desks, looking over math problems together. 'Of course, I would be happy to help, but I'm sure you won't need it.'

'Thanks, buddy,' Dean said, squeezing Castiel's shoulder.

Castiel swore he could feel the heat of Dean's hand for hours afterwards.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for mentions of corporal punishment/child abuse and purity culture

By the end of their first week of classes, Castiel was feeling a bit more settled in, and Dean had managed not only to recruit all the band members he'd wanted, but also got an additional volunteer, a friend of Charlie's named Gilda who played saxophone. He had initially wanted to call it Purgatory, but Castiel's passionate twenty-minute diatribe on that popish deception made Dean change it to the Castiel-approved Righteous. Crowley was a music major, so they were able to use rehearsal rooms in the music department, which meant that Castiel spent many evenings alone in the dorm studying while Dean rehearsed. In some ways it was nice- he never had much of his own space at home, since all of his siblings had lived there until he was fifteen and Michael had moved out to set up his own home with his wife, so the quiet and solitude were refreshing. On the other hand, he sometimes got a bit lonely spending so much time on his own.

Whenever Dean was there, however, he always took the time to talk to Castiel. They would discuss his music, their studies, and, to Castiel's surprise, a bit of theology now and again. Those conversations usually stemmed from Castiel mentioning what they'd been talking about in his courses, particularly when what was being taught conflicted with what his own church taught. He was far too shy to bring it up during class, but Dean managed to draw him out and get him to explain his position relative to the scholarship that was being presented to him. He asked polite but challenging questions from his perspective as an outsider, questions that it would never have occurred to Castiel to ask. Yet throughout it all, he never belittled Castiel's views, his ignorance of other perspectives, or his often deeply-emotional reaction to the doubts his education was creating.

As in all their other interactions, Dean was simply kind.

Examples of Dean's kindness were constantly on display. A few weeks into the semester, a bird flew into their closed window and dropped to the ground below. Dean ran downstairs and outside, returning a few minutes later with a young, injured bird. He got it comfortably into a shoe box while Castiel found the phone number for the nature centre, and then drove the bird there himself when they said they couldn't pick it up. More than once, the two of them had been walking to the dining hall or to class and someone would make a mocking comment about Castiel's appearance. Dean would inevitably tell them to fuck off and grow up because this wasn't high school anymore, and then clap Castiel on the shoulder and tell him he looked just fine.

In late September, Dean's fourteen-year-old brother Sam came to visit him for a weekend. The Winchesters lived in Lawrence, but this was Sam's first time staying over. Dean had cleaned everything to within an inch of its life and had made sure that Castiel was OK with Sam sleeping on their floor. Castiel couldn't have been more eager to meet Sam after all of Dean's stories about him, so he agreed with alacrity. Sam arrived on Friday afternoon, dropped off by Dean's parents, who were just as nice as Dean. All three of them greeted Castiel warmly, and Mary Winchester even gave him a hug when they left. He couldn't even remember the last time his own mother had hugged him, yet here was Dean's mother doing so for no reason at all. It was obvious where Dean got his kindness, and he thanked God again for bringing him such a perfect roommate.

Sam and Dean were casual and rowdy together in a way Castiel had never been with his older brothers beyond his early childhood. As the eldest, Michael had taken on household responsibilities from the age of ten, when Castiel was only four, and had taken them very seriously. He took everything seriously, as far as Castiel could tell, following their father Zachariah around like an obedient dog and keen to uncover and punish any infractions on the part of his younger siblings.

Dean, on the other hand, seemed to take his big brother duties in an entirely different way. Castiel had heard stories of how close the two of them were from the moment Sam was born: how Dean had crawled out of bed night after night to sleep on the floor of Sam's nursery to 'protect him' until his parents had given up and moved his bed into the room; how Dean's name had been Sam's first word and Dean had been the person he'd used his first steps to walk to; how Dean had helped keep Sam fed and clean when their mother had taken ill with cancer and their father had been so busy taking care of her and working long hours to pay the medical bills. Thankfully, Mary had been cured, but by then Dean had taken the mantra of 'take care of Sammy' to heart and made it his job.

Sam was clearly grateful for his brother's concern, but as a moody teenager, was also quite happy that Dean was out of the house and unable to coddle him as much as he had when they were still under the same roof. The time apart seemed to have done their relationship a lot of good, though, and the three of them were laughing together like old friends within half an hour of Sam's arrival. It made Castiel feel quite envious and wish for warmer relationships with his own siblings. Lost in his own thoughts, he missed the start of what was apparently an important conversation.

'Earth to Cas,' Dean said, waving his hand in front of Castiel's face. 'You with me, buddy?'

'I'm sorry, I "zoned out" for a moment there,' Castiel replied sheepishly, and both Sam and Dean smiled at his air quotes. 'What were you saying?'

'I was just suggesting that we order some pizza for dinner and start the _Indiana Jones_ marathon.'

'Oh, sure, pizza is fine.'

'And you're OK with Indy?'

'Um, I've never been to Indiana, is it a documentary series?' The brothers stared at him open-mouthed for a second before bursting into laughter.

'No, Cas,' Dean gasped out, 'Indiana Jones. Professor of Archaeology, expert on the occult, and how does one say it… obtainer of rare antiquities.' He looked at Castiel expectantly, but only got a blank look in return.

'I don't understand that reference,' Castiel admitted quietly.

'Oh. Uh… actually, now that I think about it, there's some religious stuff in those movies that you might not like very much.' Dean rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. 'Hey, what about _Back to the Future_? Where we're going, we don't need roads!'

'I… don't really understand most references.'

'Have you not watched many movies, Cas?' Sam asked gently.

'Um… I've seen _A Thief in the Night_. And _The Greatest Story Ever Told_. Oh, and at Christmas we always got to watch _The Best Christmas Pageant Ever_.'

Sam and Dean looked at each other before Sam spoke again. 'So… have you ever seen any movies that aren't about, like, Jesus-related stuff?'

'Oh. Um, no, I guess not. My parents didn't really like "popular culture" entering our house. They thought… uh, they thought it was…'

'Bad?' Sam offered.

'They thought it would leave us open to demonic influences,' Castiel finished quickly, feeling his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. It was odd how just a few weeks away from his family made him feel like some of the things they had taught were perhaps a bit… eccentric.

'Oh. Right. Demonic.' Dean shuffled his feet and bit his bottom lip. 'I mean, if you're not comfortable, we don't have to watch anything. We could just play a game or something.'

There was Dean, being kind again. Castiel smiled at him. 'No, it's fine. I have to admit, I understand how strange that must sound to you. Maybe the one without the religious things in it? The future one?'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes, very sure, thank you Dean.'

While they waited for pizza, Castiel answered Sam's questions about his childhood. Occasionally Dean would interject, telling Sam he was being rude or intrusive, but Castiel didn't mind. He thought it might act as a form of testimony for his faith, but he soon realised that Sam didn't find the Novak family to be particularly inspirational.

'They hit you with an actual _stick_?' Sam asked, clearly horrified, when they had somehow gotten onto the topic of discipline.

'Only if we were disobedient,' Castiel replied weakly.

'Dude, that's child abuse! You should never hit your kids with a _stick_!' Sam insisted.

'"He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes",' Castiel quoted, but his heart wasn't in it. Truth be told, he had hated those beatings, and often felt they were meted out unjustly and without any consideration for his side of the story. He had never considered it abuse per se, but he could tell from Sam's disgust and Dean's pallor that his parents' form of discipline was not considered normal in the outside world. 'Did your parents never spank you?'

'Yeah, sure,' Dean answered, 'but like, a swat with an open hand over the clothes if we did something really bad. Once Sam ran into the street and got it on a bare butt, and one time Dad used his belt on me because I got into his gun safe. He cried afterwards and said he'd never do it again, he was just so worried I was going to shoot somebody by accident. But not a stick. Je…ez.'

'It was a rattan cane if that makes it any better.'

'It really doesn't, Cas,' Dean said gently. 'I'm sorry you had to go through that.' He exchanged a look with his brother and must have somehow instructed him to change the subject, because Sam asked him to talk about his siblings.

'Well, Michael married when he was twenty-one and set up his own home with his wife Hester down the street from our house.'

'Twenty-one? Man, that's young,' Dean said. 'Were they high school sweethearts? Or, I guess, youth group sweethearts, or whatever you do when you're homeschooled?'

'They had a parent-approved courtship.'

'A what?' Sam and Dean said in unison.

'Instead of dating, which leads to promiscuity and divorce, the boy and girl have a traditional courtship to get to know each other, with the intention of getting married. It's starting to get very popular with families like mine.' He explained how it was essential to maintain purity before marriage, including in one's heart, to guarantee a successful marriage. 'They courted for six months, and then got married. They have two children already and expecting a third.'

'Wow, that is-' Sam began, clearly about to make a negative comment, but Dean glared at him to shut him up.

'Different,' he finished for Sam. 'That's really different, Cas. It's not like what we're used to, but if you're into it, that's completely fine. Right, Sam?'

'Oh, yeah, right, if it makes you happy, that's the important thing, Cas,' Sam agreed.

'I… don't know if it would make me happy,' Castiel admitted. 'It seems to have worked for Michael, but I'm not sure if Hannah is as content as he is. And Gabriel has so far refused even to attempt a courtship, although several families at our church expressed an interest for their daughters. Hael asked to go to college first so she could be a certified teacher for her future children, so she's doing a correspondence course with Liberty University. She's a junior now, and when she graduates next year, she'll probably get married.'

'Does she have a boyfriend, or courter… courtier? Courtshipmate? Whatever you call it?' Dean asked.

'No, but she's very beautiful and sweet, so I'm sure there will be plenty of interest once my parents announce that she's open to courtship.' He could tell that Sam was preparing to say something, but Dean elbowed him, and his mouth snapped shut. 'It's all right, Dean. He can ask whatever he wants.'

'I just wonder, like, if you spend so little time with somebody, how can you really get to know them? How do you know if you're compatible _for life_? Cuz I imagine divorce is _not_ a thing for people like your parents.'

'You have to trust that your father will make the best choice for you, guided by God.'

'What about chemistry?' Dean asked.

'How do you mean?'

'You know, like a spark. Physical compatibility.'

Castiel blushed. 'Oh. I don't know. You find out on your wedding night, I suppose. Obviously, there are no pre-marital relations.'

'Obviously. But what about normal dating stuff, like holding hands and kissing?'

Castiel shook his head. 'Michael and Hester's first kiss was at the altar when they had been declared man and wife.'

'Wow. No offense, Cas, but I'm really glad my parents aren't into this courtship thing,' Dean said with a shake of his head. 'Kissing is awesome.'

'I'll take your word for it,' Castiel said with a weak smile.

'Hey man, nothing wrong with not kissing either,' Dean added hastily. 'I just think it should be only your choice whether you kiss somebody or not. It shouldn't be your parents deciding for you.' That gave Castiel significant food for thought, but as the pizza arrived then, the conversation naturally ended and the first _Back to the Future_ movie went into the VCR.

Castiel found it funny and entertaining, although a few of the scenes were uncomfortably sexual and had him looking away from the screen with a blush. Sam didn't seem to notice, but when the movie finished, Dean asked if he was OK.

'Yes, I enjoyed it very much. I'm just not used to seeing, um, "relationship" things being discussed so openly.'

'Sorry, I kinda forgot those were there. They don't really register for me like that, you know?' Dean was blushing as well, which made Castiel blush again. 'I don't think the second one has as much stuff like that in it, but we don't have to watch any more if you don't want.'

'No, no, it's fine, really. Let me just go to the bathroom and then we can start the next one.' Dean nodded, and Castiel zipped off to the bathrooms down the hall, not even bothering to close the door.

'Oh my _GOD_ , Dean,' he heard Sam say in a teasing tone as he hurried away. 'You _like_ h-'

'Shut up, Sammy,' Dean hissed. Castiel wasn't sure why, but the brief exchange made his heart beat a little faster.

By the time they finished the third movie, it was much later than Castiel usually stayed up, but it had been worth it. He had liked the last one most of all, and Dean seemed to agree, grinning widely when Marty dressed up like a cowboy. Sam teased him about having something called a fetish, but Castiel didn't get a chance to ask what that was because Dean smacked Sam in the chest, which caused Sam to retaliate, and they spent the next few minutes wrestling.

He looked it up in his dictionary later, when the brothers were in the bathroom, and slammed the book shut so hard that the breeze from it ruffled his hair.

The rest of Sam's stay was just as fun as the first night. The three of them took advantage of the lingering warm weather to go out for ice cream, fish in Clinton Lake, and hike in the state park when they weren't watching movies in the dorm. Sam and Dean had decided that Castiel needed an education in so-called classics, which seemed to mean movies from the last decade. They watched _ET_ , _The Neverending Story_ , and _The Princess Bride_ , all of which Castiel loved, and _The Goonies_ , which he kind of liked but also found a bit too overwhelming. They started watching _Labyrinth_ , but that had made him grab the remote to press stop as soon as the Goblin King and his frighteningly tight pants appeared. They ended up watching a cartoon called _Aladdin_ instead, and Castiel had loved that, especially when Dean sang along to all the songs and eventually dragged Sam into dancing with him.

They had stayed up late both nights and Castiel was exhausted by the time Sam was picked up by John on Sunday, but he couldn't remember smiling or laughing as much in his entire life as he had that weekend. John gave him a handshake and a pat on the back, while Sam gave him a tight hug and said he looked forward to seeing him again soon. He returned the sentiment eagerly.

That night, as he tried to sleep, he thought about what his parents had said about non-believers, which they defined as anyone who didn’t believe in the same way they did: that they were miserable, angry, bitter and hedonistic because they didn't have God's grace flowing through them. But absolutely none of those words could be used to describe the Winchesters. They were full of joy and kindness, they certainly didn't seem bitter, and although they clearly found enjoyment in worldly things, it seemed far from any definition of hedonism as he understood it. He knew they would count as non-believers in his parents' eyes, as they had slept right through on Sunday morning when he had gone to church, but if anyone could be described with the negative words they had used, it was the Novaks, not the Winchesters.

He didn't sleep very well that night.

Monday morning was painful with the sustained lack of sleep, but he dragged himself out of bed with his alarm at eight to go for breakfast in the dining hall. On a whim, he got a carryout cup with coffee for Dean, with a cream and two sugars the way he had seen Dean prepare it himself on the few mornings he managed to get up for breakfast. Feeling a bit whimsical, when he got back to the room, he wafted it in front of Dean's face, and laughed when his nose actually twitched.

'Cas?' he asked, his voice rough with sleep. 'What time is it?'

'Nearly nine. I know you don't have class until eleven, but I thought I'd bring you some coffee.'

Dean gave him a sleepy smile. 'You really are an angel, Cas. Thank you.' He sat and ruffled his hair with both hands before taking the cup. 'You got class at ten?'

'Yes. But I'm scared to go today.'

'How come?'

'I'm nervous about the subject matter.'

'What is it?' Dean asked with a concerned frown.

'It's, um, it's about the historicity of Christ. Apparently, some biblical scholars have come to differing conclusions about it.' He sat on his bed, feeling his hands start to shake. 'I don't know if I'm ready to hear about that.'

Dean got up and sat next to Castiel, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'Hey, it's OK. That doesn't mean they're right, or that you have to come to the same conclusions.'

'I know, but… it never even occurred to me that the most important fact of my life could even be doubted. My father always said that everyone knows Christ died for our sins, but they choose to ignore it to carry on their lives of sin. He said it's all known facts, but Professor Mullen has already opened my eyes to so many things that don't match what my father says.'

'Well… maybe your dad isn't right about everything he believes. But you can make up your own mind about things too, without it affecting your faith completely, right?' He put his own hands over Castiel's, which he hadn't even noticed he was wringing. 'You can still be a Christian without being the exact kind of Christian he is.'

'I don't know,' Castiel whispered. 'That never seemed like an option.'

'I'm never gonna tell you what to believe, Angel, but I think it's at least worth considering that your dad doesn't know everything.' Dean paused and squeezed Castiel's hands before letting go. 'He's not God.'

That somehow made Castiel feel better and worse at the same time.


	3. Chapter 3

Much later, when he looked back on that week, Castiel would be able to pinpoint it as the beginning of the end.

First had come the class on the historicity of Jesus Christ, which had rattled him more than he was willing to admit out loud. He'd had a long discussion about it with Dean later, and when they both had an afternoon free they even went to the library together to look up more references. The research had taken them off in a few tangents, but the end result was that Castiel felt even less sure of his father's teachings than ever before.

That had been bad enough, but then there was the Incident of the Cancelled Class.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays at ten, Castiel had a world history class along with a couple hundred other freshmen. Dean had a class at nine on those days, so they often got up at the same time and got breakfast together before Dean went to class and Castiel went to the library to finish up any reading he needed to do for the history class. When Dean's class finished at ten, he would do whatever it was he did when Castiel was out (and oh, how Castiel had some thoughts about what Dean might do when Castiel was out after their first conversation), and when Castiel got home at nearly twelve, they would go to lunch together in the dining hall.

On this particular Thursday, however, Castiel arrived at his class to find a note on the door saying the professor was sick and class was cancelled. With a sigh, he turned around and headed back to Colt Hall, wondering if it would be too decadent to take a nap before lunch.

When Castiel returned, he found Dean in their room doing push-ups, wearing only a pair of very short running shorts. He jumped to his feet when he realised that he wasn't alone. Castiel couldn't help but stare at his bare chest and bowed legs, the freckles from his face also sporadically dotting his chest and stomach, the muscles in his arms and torso firm and toned, and the sweat on his golden skin glistening. Speaking of skin, this was the most of it he had ever seen on anyone this close up, and it was causing a seriously problematic reaction in his body- more specifically, in his pants.

'Oh, sorry man, I didn't think you'd be coming home so early,' Dean apologised, wiping himself down with a towel. 'I opened the windows so I wouldn't stink the place up as bad, but I thought I'd have more time to air it out.'

'My class got cancelled,' Castiel explained in what he hoped wasn't a completely strangled-sounding voice. 'Sorry.'

'Nah, dude, my bad, I'm just too broke to join the gym. I can go outside or something.'

'It's OK,' Castiel said quickly. 'I'm just going to take a shower, take as long as you want.'

'Cool, thanks bud.' Dean patted Castiel's shoulder and got back on the floor, this time on his back to do sit-ups.

Castiel quickly gathered his shower things and ran to the bathroom to avoid staring at Dean's abs. Picking the strongest of the showers, he turned it on and stood under the warm water trying to force the image of Dean's bare skin out of his mind. All those freckles, the last hints of his summer tan fading, the muscles that rippled underneath… Castiel barely realised what he was doing as his hand trailed down his stomach and brushed along his now quite pronounced erection. Curiosity got the better of him, and he wrapped his fingers around the shaft to give an experimental tug. The jolt of pleasure shocked him, driving him to do it again, and then again as he pictured Dean facing him, smiling at him, stepping into the shower cubicle…

With a horrified gasp, Castiel took his hand away and turned the water all the way to cold until he was shivering, and his erection was completely gone. These thoughts were wrong, abusing himself that way was _wrong_ \- it didn't matter how beautiful Dean was, that beauty was not for Castiel or any other man. He vowed to himself that he wouldn't look at Dean with lustful eyes again from that moment on.

Unfortunately for his resolve, when he went back to the room, he nearly ran into Dean coming out wearing only a towel, shower caddy in hand. 'Oops, sorry, Cas!' he'd said with a sheepish grin and skirted around Castiel as if it had been no big deal for them to have been mere inches apart with Dean so unclothed and smelling all musky and masculine. For Dean, it probably hadn't been.

For Castiel, it had meant the following two mornings in a row surreptitiously cleaning up after wet dreams.

By mid-October, Castiel thought he had a little better handle on his emotions towards Dean. He rationalised them by thinking that he'd never had such a close friend before, and that this proximity, both emotional and physical, was just causing confusion in his brain. He was _not_ attracted to Dean, he was _not_ attracted to men, and that was that. He managed to convince himself about seventy percent of the time, mostly when he was at church and Campus Crusade meetings and when Dean wasn't home. Luckily for Castiel's confusion, that was an increasing amount of the time, as Righteous were rehearsing more intensely while they tried to get booked into one of the live music venues in town. He ignored the feeling of disappointment he always got when he walked into an empty dorm room.

It had been empty again this afternoon, but Castiel had barely settled into his history essay when his peace was disturbed.

'We got a gig!' Dean cried out as he burst through the door.

'What? Oh my goodness, congratulations, Dean!' Castiel ran up to him for a celebratory hug, trying desperately to suppress the butterflies in his stomach from having Dean's strong arms around him. 'When? Where?'

'Next Friday night at the Roadhouse Bar!' Dean beamed, but Castiel's smile fell.

'Oh. That's great, I'm so happy for you.'

'You don't look very happy for me.'

'No, no, it's just… it's in a bar.' Dean looked at him questioningly, and he looked down at his feet. 'I've never been in a bar. My parents said I can't go to them.'

'Oh. Well, it's not like you'd have to drink. It would just be for the show. So, it's a concert venue. And there's food, so it's a restaurant too.' He flashed Castiel a cheeky grin, and Castiel could feel his defences fading, as they always did around Dean. 'Come on, Cas, I need my best friend there to cheer me on.'

The earlier butterflies erupted into a frenzied flight. 'I'm your best friend?'

'Well, yeah.'

'You're my best friend too.'

Dean ruffled his hair teasingly. 'I better be! So you'll come, right?'

'Of course, Dean.'

The Roadhouse was a somewhat rougher place than Castiel was expecting, and it was packed wall to wall with college students. Dean and the rest of the band were setting up on the stage that only just fit all their equipment, and Castiel walked over to see if he could help with anything. Dean's face lit up the moment he saw him.

'Cas! You made it!' He hopped off the stage and hugged Castiel with a couple of exuberant back thumps. 'We're starting in about ten minutes.'

'Do you need a hand setting up?'

Dean waved a hand. 'Nah, we got it. Let me introduce you properly to the guys.' Castiel already knew Kevin and Crowley from their dorm, but he had only heard Dean's stories about Charlie, Gilda and Chuck. They all seemed very nice, though Chuck seemed a little nerdy to be the 'guitar god' Dean claimed. Dean explained to them that Castiel didn't usually go to bars, so he was just going to help him get a drink and would bring back a tray for the band too. 'What's your poison, Cas? Keeping in mind we're all underage, and Ellen is a hard-ass who won't serve me booze.' Dean winked at the middle-aged woman behind the bar, who responded with a grunt that somehow oozed sarcasm.

'I just like to stay in business, kid. What can I get you boys?'

'Need five cokes and one Perrier for the band. Yeah, I know, the fancy stuff is for Crowley. Cas?'

'Um, may I please have a ginger ale?' he asked shyly.

'Wow, Dean, you know someone with manners?' Ellen teased.

'I know, who'd have thought? This is my roommate, Cas. He's like a literal angel.'

Castiel blushed. 'I'm only named after one. I'm as much of a sinner as anyone else.' He saw Ellen give Dean a knowing look and wondered what it meant.

' _This_ is the famous roommate. Well, it's real nice to meet ya, Cas. Maybe some of that politeness will rub off on Dean eventually.' She winked at him to let him know she was joking, and he grinned at her.

'I wouldn't hold your breath.' Ellen laughed so hard, she had to put down the glass she was filling.

'Cas!' Dean gasped dramatically, putting his hands to his chest and stumbling backwards. 'You wound me!'

'I learned from the best.' That got Dean smiling again, but it also earned Castiel a gentle headlock and a friendly noogie.

'All right, all right, you're a comedian now. Come on, help me with these drinks. Thanks, Ellen.'

Castiel tried to pay for his ginger ale, but Ellen waved him off. 'It's just nice to finally meet ya. Don't be a stranger.'

'Do you come here a lot?' Castiel asked Dean as they wound their way back through the crowd. 'Ellen seems to know you well.'

'Oh man, I half grew up here. Ellen's a friend of the family. My first job was bussing her tables. But don't think her letting us play is a favour. She made us audition and everything.'

'I don't doubt it. She seems a very no-nonsense lady.'

'That she is,' Dean chuckled. 'OK guys, five cokes and a fizzy water for the lady.' Dean bowed as he passed the bottle of Perrier to Crowley, who took it with one hand while flipping him off with the other. 'Take a seat, Cas, we're gonna start soon.'

'OK. It's very busy in here. If I run away as soon as you're finished, please don't take it personally.'

Dean clapped his shoulder. 'Course not, Cas. I'm just glad you're here at all.'

Castiel took a seat at a small table near the front door, and within a few minutes, Dean stepped up to the microphone to start the show. The moment Dean started singing, Castiel's jaw dropped. He'd heard Dean sing before in their room, but he was always just messing around, singing out of tune and being silly to make Castiel laugh. Now he was singing for real, and he sounded _wonderful_. Castiel was completely enraptured, and it was terrifying.

Righteous only had a short set of five songs, but it was five songs too many for Castiel's fragile heart. The moment the band finished their last number, he ran out the door and all the way back to the dorm. When Dean came home, he would let him believe that it had just been the crowd overwhelming him, and hopefully he would have calmed down enough to be able to tell Dean in a calm manner how much he enjoyed the music. He figured Dean would be out late, but he left the bedside lamp on for him anyway, even as his eyes began to close of their own accord.

When he woke up at nine the next morning, the lamp was still on and Dean's bed hadn't been slept in.

Dean returned a little after lunchtime, looking tired and dishevelled in last night's clothes, but as cheerful as Castiel had ever seen him. He flopped onto his bed and turned his head to smile at Castiel.

'That. Was. Awesome!'

'Your show was wonderful, Dean. I enjoyed the songs very much. I'm sorry that I left so quickly.'

'It's fine, Cas, I'm just glad you went at all. Thank you.'

'Of course. So, um, I assume you stayed out after the bar closed?'

'Oh, yeah, some of the upperclassmen who were there threw an after-party for us, and most of us just crashed there.' Dean was blushing a bit, which led Castiel to believe that he had perhaps 'gotten lucky' at this party. The thought made his heart sink. 'We went out for a big breakfast this morning, but now I just wanna sleep for like a week.'

'I'll go read in the common room so you can get some rest.' He stood up with his book, but as he walked past Dean's bed, Dean grabbed his wrist.

'Nah, it's OK. Keep me company.' His warm smile was more than Castiel could resist, so climbed back into his bed and exchanged the lamp on his nightstand for a small clip-on light.

'Sleep well, Dean. I'll wake you up before dinner.'

'You're the best, Angel.'

Castiel re-read the same paragraph for twenty minutes before giving up and just watching Dean sleep.

Monday rolled around all too quickly again. It was a full day for Castiel, with classes at ten, eleven and one, and the Campus Crusade meeting at five. Rather than go home in the afternoons, he usually just went to the library to do homework. He'd been ensconced in his favourite corner when he heard a loud bang, some people shouting, and then the fire alarm going off. He grabbed all of his things and went out with the other students, wondering what was going on. Smoke was coming out of the windows near the break area where people could eat and drink, and one of the librarians said a snack machine had shorted out. The fire department arrived within a few minutes and declared that the library would stay closed for the rest of the day, so Castiel decided he may as well finish studying in his room after all.

He wasn't surprised to find the room empty, as Dean was usually hanging out with his friends or rehearsing with the band in the afternoons. It was good for his concentration, he told himself as he pulled out his books and notes, but as always, Castiel found himself a bit disappointed to be alone.

As if in answer to his secret desires, the door opened, and Dean came in laughing, his head turned to speak to a guy who followed in after him. _Right_ after him, in fact, practically up against his back. It seemed a bit odd, but as soon as Dean spotted Castiel, he stepped inside and further away from his friend very quickly.

'Oh, hey Cas, didn’t realise you'd be home.'

'They had to close the library. A snack machine shorted out and started a small fire.'

'Yikes! You OK, buddy?'

'Yes, I'm fine. How are you?'

'Yeah, great, cool. Uh, this is my friend Nick Munroe. We met at my band's gig the other night. Nick, my roommate Cas.'

Nick extended his hand, which Castiel shook. 'Nice to meet you, Cas.'

'Likewise,' Castiel said, though something about Nick rubbed him the wrong way- especially when he walked over and put a hand on Dean's lower back in what seemed an overly familiar way for such a new acquaintance. Dean jumped away nervously and gave Nick a small shake of his head.

'Anyway, I'm, uh, just here to change my jacket. It's gotten a little cooler out there.' Dean took off his denim jacket and grabbed the leather one instead. 'We're gonna head out again, I probably won't be back for dinner.'

'OK. Have a nice time.'

Dean gave him a little smile and a wave, and Nick followed after him, again putting a hand on his back. The door closed behind him, and Castiel barely heard Dean say, 'Dude, I said not in front of my roommate.' He had no idea what Dean was talking about, but it made his chest ache to think that there was something that Dean felt he couldn't share with him.

The rest of the week passed without any further mention of Nick, and Castiel began to relax. He must have just been imagining the weird vibe, and even began to doubt what he thought he'd heard Dean say in the hallway. By Friday, he was sure that it was just his own social awkwardness and inappropriate affection for Dean that had made him feel weird about seeing Dean with another friend. He had just gotten so used to only ever seeing Dean hang out with the band in the times they weren't together that it had thrown him for a loop to see someone new on the scene. That was all.

After having eaten lunch together, Castiel had left Dean at the dorm to attend a last-minute debate club session in preparation for a competition they were hosting that weekend. It took most of the afternoon before Pamela was satisfied with everyone's performance, but she particularly praised the sharpness of Castiel's points, and he left with a spring in his step going into the weekend. He took a detour to pick up an apple pie from a bakery Dean liked, thinking they could share it while watching a movie later. The thought put a smile on his face as he returned to the dorm.

Dean was fixing his hair in the mirror of their room when Castiel came back. He was wearing black jeans and a green Henley that matched his eyes, and he smelled amazing. Castiel hurried into the room, hiding his pink cheeks by going into his closet for fresh pyjamas.

'You look nice. Are you going out?'

'Uh, yeah, I'm hanging out with Nick tonight. We're going to a club.'

Castiel didn't know much about clubs, but he was pretty sure they tended to be late-night venues. 'At six?'

Dean blushed. 'No, we're grabbing dinner and a couple of drinks first.' There was a knock on the door, and Dean opened it.

'Speak of the devil,' Castiel muttered under his breath.

'Hi Dean,' Nick said with a huge smile, 'you look great.' Nick was also smartly dressed in red button-down shirt and khaki slacks. 'You ready for our-'

'Yeah, just need to grab my wallet,' Dean said quickly. 'See ya later, Cas.'

'Oh, hey Cas, didn't see you there.' Nick looked a bit uncomfortable, which made Castiel feel a little better.

'Hello, Nick. You look very nice.'

'Thanks. See ya.'

'Goodbye. See you later, Dean.' Dean gave him a little half-smile before leaving, but Castiel's dinner now tasted like ashes in his mouth. There was something odd about Dean's friendship with Nick, and he didn't like it- not one bit.

He ate the pie himself and woke up in the morning to a stomachache and no sign of Dean. A dose of Pepto-Bismol sorted out the first problem, but Dean still hadn't appeared by the time he had to leave for the debate competition. The person he was up against, a young man from the University of Oklahoma, reminded him vaguely of Nick Munroe.

Castiel destroyed him.

Dean was home by the time Castiel got back from the debate competition with his trophy, and they only briefly touched on Dean's night out (Dean had crashed at Nick's as it had been late and he didn't want to disturb Castiel) in favour of a play-by-play of Castiel's debating triumph. Dean insisted on buying victory pizza and making Castiel watch _Rocky_ I-III ('Rocky IV is too depressing, Cas, we don't need that shit right now'). Castiel enjoyed the movies, but his favourite part was watching Dean lip synch and dance to the song about the tiger in _Rocky III_.

'Cas, can I talk to you about something?' Dean asked a few days later.

'Of course, Dean, you can talk to me about anything.'

'Well, uh, I was just wondering how you liked being roommates with me.' He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, and Castiel's heart jumped into his throat. Did Dean want to move out? Did he want to live with his new friend who would go to clubs and stay up late with him instead of a boring nerd who was in bed by ten every night and went to church every Sunday?

'I love being your roommate. I would hate to have another roommate. You're not leaving, are you?' Castiel asked frantically.

'No, no! I was hoping you'd say that, 'cause I was wondering if you wanted to request to room together again next year. The form has to go in before Thanksgiving.'

Castiel sighed with relief. 'Oh, yes, that would be wonderful! I was afraid you didn't want to share with me anymore.'

Dean patted his arm comfortingly. 'You're a great roommate, Cas. We just need to pick what hall we want, because this one's only for freshmen.' They looked through the brochure and decided on Campbell Hall, which was not only conveniently placed for both of them and had a great dining hall, but Campbell was also Dean's mother's maiden name and he thought she'd get a kick out of that. Dean promised that he would submit the form at the housing office next time he was on that part of campus, well before the deadline and hopefully ensuring them their first choice.

There was a small part of himself that knew he shouldn't room with Dean again next year. The more time he spent with Dean, the more his unnatural thoughts and desires plagued him. His pastor back home and certainly his father would be horrified to know about Castiel's feelings towards his roommate, but no matter how much he prayed for God to take the feelings away, they only seemed to grow stronger. Nothing could make Castiel happier than making Dean smile or laugh. Nothing caused a thrill like Dean touching him, no matter how innocent the touch actually was. Dean filled his mind and his heart, and he just couldn't stay away from him.

This Dean-centric reverie was broken by the sound of the phone ringing. Castiel didn't even bother to reach for it, as ninety percent of the calls they received were for Dean anyway. 'Hello?' Dean answered. 'Just a second. Hey Cas, phone for you.'

Castiel took it with a frown. Nobody ever called him except his parents, but their designated calls were on Wednesday after church, and this was Tuesday. 'Hello?'

'Castiel? It's Gabriel.'

'Hello Gabriel! How are you?' he asked with a smile. 'My brother,' he mouthed at Dean, who gave him a thumbs up.

'Uh, fine, fine. Was that your roommate? Did he call you Cas?'

'Oh, yes, that's Dean. He likes giving nicknames.'

'Cool, I like it. So, I was wondering if you're doing anything this weekend.'

'I don't think I have any plans. Why?'

'How would you like a visit from your favourite big brother?'

'Really? That would be wonderful! When will Michael be arriving?' There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line, and Castiel couldn't hold back his laughter. 'I'm joking, Gabriel. If Michael came to visit me, I'd leave town.'

'Wow, don't think I ever heard you make a joke, little brother,' Gabriel chuckled, and Castiel realised that it was probably true. 'So you got space for me on your floor?'

'Yes, of course! Dean, is it OK if Gabriel comes to stay this weekend?'

'Totally, dude! Look forward to meeting him.'

'Great!' Gabriel said. 'I'll probably get there around five on Friday if that's OK. I'll take you guys out for dinner. Oh, and uh… do you mind not mentioning this to Mom and Dad?'

'Um, sure. Is something wrong?'

'No, I just… need to get away from them for a little while, and I don't want them hounding me about it. You know how they can be.'

'OK. Um, let me give you my address.' Castiel gave Gabriel directions for how to get to their dorm, and promised they'd be home at five to meet him.

After a moment's pause, Gabriel said, 'Let me give you my cell phone number just in case.'

'Your what?' Castiel gaped.

'Yeah, maybe don't tell Mom and Dad about that either? I'm paying for it with my own money from my job at the bakery in Smith Center.'

'I don't think I've even seen somebody use a cell phone. That's awesome!' Castiel said enthusiastically.

'Did you say awesome?'

'Oh. Yes, I guess Dean has rubbed off on me a little.' Dean and Gabriel both made a strange, strangled noise like a cough and a laugh combined, which as usual Castiel didn't understand.

'He sounds like a cool guy. Can't wait to meet him.' He rattled off his cell phone number for Castiel to write down, and they said their goodbyes soon after. Castiel stared at the phone for a few seconds before hanging up.

'That was odd.' Dean looked at him curiously. 'He said not to tell Mom and Dad about him coming to visit, and about having a cell phone. Do you think he's doing something illegal with it?'

Dean laughed. 'I doubt it, Cas. He's what, twenty-one?' Castiel nodded. 'He's probably just sick of being at home with such controlling parents. Uh, I mean…'

'It's OK, you're right. They are very controlling. Gabriel has always found it difficult. He's somewhat more… carefree than the rest of us.'

'Can't wait to meet him,' Dean grinned.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW Bartholomew uses homophobic language

As promised, Castiel made no mention of Gabriel when he spoke to his parents the next day. The week seemed to creep by unbearably slowly, but finally Friday arrived, and punctually at five, so did Gabriel. To Castiel's surprise, his brother threw his arms around him and hugged him tightly.

'It's so good to see you, Castiel. You look well.'

'Thank you, Gabriel. So do you. Your hair is a bit longer than when I last saw you.'

Gabriel ran his hand through golden locks that were a little floppier on top than Zachariah usually allowed. 'Yeah, I'm trying something new. And you must be Dean,' he swiftly changed the subject, extending his hand for Dean to shake.

'Nice to meet you, Gabe. You're the first Novak besides Cas I've gotten to meet.'

'Pray I'm the last,' he said out the side of his mouth. 'I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving. Pizza?'

Once they were settled in the restaurant, Dean excused himself to wash his hands, and Gabriel turned to Castiel. 'Just to get this out of the way early- I'm moving out next week.'

'What? Are you getting married? Do I know her?'

Gabriel snorted. 'No, I'm definitely _not_ getting married. I'm just sick of Mom and Dad's crap, and I'm tired of living in that tiny craphole of a town. I got a job at a big commercial bakery in Kansas City.'

'Wow, Gabriel, that's big news! How did they take it?'

'I haven't actually told them yet.' He put his hand up before Castiel could interrupt. 'Listen, it's a complicated situation, and I don't want to drag you into it any more than I already have. Just believe me when I say that they aren't going to take it well.' He looked up and saw Dean coming back to the table. 'We'll talk more later, OK?' Castiel nodded dumbly and tried to act normally, but he was obviously distracted during dinner.

'You OK, buddy?' Dean asked eventually, putting a hand on Castiel's upper back. He looked concerned, and Castiel didn't like that, so he put on a smile.

'I'm fine, just a bit distracted.' Dean mirrored his smile and rubbed his back a little before taking his hand back. Gabriel gave them a funny look but resumed his conversation with Dean without saying anything about Castiel's odd behaviour.

After dinner, Dean went back to the dorm, saying the two of them needed 'bro time' after so long apart, thanking Gabriel (or Gabe, as he'd stuck with calling him) for dinner. Castiel took Gabriel to the ice cream parlour for dessert, knowing his preference for sweet things.

'You and Dean seem pretty close,' Gabriel said through a mouthful of ice cream sundae.

'He's been a very good friend and roommate. We've already requested to be placed together next year as well.'

'That's great, bro. Good friends like that are important. Hold on tight to them.'

'I will,' Castiel promised, even though he was a bit confused. 'Is everything OK, Gabriel?'

'Not really. But it will be. I just gotta get through a few more days.'

'Does anyone else know you're moving? Hael?' Gabriel and Hael had always been close due to having the smallest age gap, but Gabriel shook his head sadly.

'She's been taking after Mom a lot more lately. Things haven't been great at home.' He suddenly put down his spoon and grabbed Castiel's hand. 'Listen, after I leave, Mom and Dad will probably say a lot of bad stuff about me. But I'm still the same person I've always been. I need you to remember that. I'm the same.'

'O- OK,' Castiel stammered.

'And definitely don't tell them I came to see you this weekend, even after I'm gone. If they ask, pretend the last time you talked to me was when I took you to Salina. It'll make things easier for you.'

'Gabriel, you're worrying me. What's going on? Are you involved in something dangerous?'

'No, nothing like that, I promise. I don't really want to discuss it right now, but just trust me, you'll understand eventually.' Castiel grudgingly accepted and let Gabriel change the subject to the work he would be doing in Kansas City.

When they got back to the dorm, Castiel felt so exhausted, he grabbed his pyjamas and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. When he came back, he could hear Gabriel and Dean talking through the slightly ajar door and stopped to listen.

'Does he know?' he heard Dean ask, and Gabriel did that snort laugh again.

'Hell no!' Castiel gasped- he'd never heard any of his family members say that word so casually. 'He's a great kid, but he's still way too deep into it.'

'He might surprise you.'

'I can't take that risk yet. I'll see how he reacts when it all comes out.'

Dean let out a heavy sigh. 'I hope he takes it OK.' Castiel heard what sounded like a hand patting something.

'I bet you do.'

Dean gave a little rueful laugh. 'Yeah, no kidding.'

Castiel felt frustrated that he had no idea what they were talking about but couldn't shake the feeling that _he_ was the person they were discussing. Regardless, it was clear that this conversation wasn't for his ears, and he felt guilty for eavesdropping so long. He opened the door with as much noise as he felt he could make without being too obvious and was greeted with smiles from Dean and Gabriel.

'Nice jammies, Cas,' Gabriel said, surprisingly using Dean's nickname for him. 'Oh… is it OK if I call you Cas?'

'Yes, of course. I like Cas.' He blushed as he put his toiletries away. 'Should I call you Gabe now?'

'You know what? Yeah. I dig it.' They grinned at each other, and Gabriel surprised him yet again by giving him another hug.

The visit flew by, and before Castiel knew it, Gabriel was throwing his duffel bag into his car to return to Lebanon for apparently the last time. Castiel didn't really understand what was happening with Gabriel, but he prayed that his brother would be all right. They embraced tightly.

'Keep that cell phone number, little bro. If you ever need me, and I mean _ever_ , for _anything_ , I'm always here for you. No matter what.'

'Thanks, Gabe.'

Gabriel put his hands on Castiel's shoulders and looked him right in the eyes. 'I mean it. No matter what. I'm not Mom and Dad. I'll always support you, no conditions.'

'Gabriel, please tell me what's going on. You're scaring me.'

Gabriel just shook his head. 'Just remember I love you, OK?'

'I love you, too.' They hugged once more, and in another minute, Gabriel was in his car and driving out of sight. Castiel trudged up the stairs and threw himself on his bed in an indulgent moment of self-pity.

'Gabe get away OK?' Dean asked carefully.

'Yes. He was being weird right before though.' He told Dean about Gabriel's odd statements, but Dean didn't seem particularly shocked.

'Well, that's good to know, right? It's important to love people for who they are, not who you want them to be.'

Castiel sat up and tilted his head, squinting questioningly at Dean. 'Did he say something to you about what's going on?'

'It's not really my place, Cas,' Dean deflected. 'But Gabe seems like a really good guy, and he cares a lot about you.'

'I hope he'll be happy in Kansas City,' Castiel sighed, giving up on getting any information out of Dean.

'I'm sure he will be. And hey, that's only like forty minutes away. Maybe he can come visit again sometime.'

'Maybe.' Castiel smiled weakly, but he couldn't help but worry that things were going to be more complicated than that.

The other shoe dropped a few days later. When his phone rang on a Tuesday night, he assumed it was for Dean, but on answering it, his father's voice unexpectedly came through the line. 'Castiel, is that you?'

'Yes, hello Dad. Is everything all right?'

'Have you spoken to Gabriel recently?' His voice sounded frantic, but Castiel remembered Gabriel's instructions.

'Not since he dropped me off in Salina. Why?'

'Good. You are not to speak to him ever again, Castiel!' Zachariah shouted. 'He's been corrupted by devils!'

Castiel's eyes grew wide as the blood rushed from his face. 'What?'

'He's run away from home and… well, I won't distress you with the filth he talks about in his letter. But make no mistake, that boy has the devil in him.'

'I… I don't know what to say.'

'Say your prayers, Castiel. Pray for him to find his way back from sin. And if he contacts you, let me know immediately. Do you understand?' Castiel paused, and Zachariah repeated more insistently. 'Do you understand?'

Castiel took a deep breath, crossed his fingers and said, 'Yes, sir.' Dean raised an eyebrow, but Castiel shook his head.

'Good. Until further notice, you can assume that he is no longer a part of this family. His name is not to be mentioned in public.'

'Yes, sir.'

'All right.' Zachariah seemed to be calming down now. 'We'll speak to you tomorrow at the usual time. Goodbye, Castiel.'

'Goodbye, sir.' He hung up in a daze, staring at the phone until Dean spoke to him.

'I didn’t mean to listen, but he was yelling pretty loud. I guess Gabe left?'

'Yes. It sounds like he left a letter explaining himself. My father seems to think it was all about filth and sin.' He hoped that would leave an opening for Dean to share what he knew, but he didn't take the bait.

'What was with the crossed fingers?'

'Oh… I suppose that was childish, but my father told me to let him know if Gabriel tried to contact me. I don't intend to keep that promise, so I crossed my fingers to make it not count.'

Dean's smile was so fond, Castiel couldn't hold his gaze for long without blushing. 'You're adorable,' Dean said, pinching Castiel's cheek for emphasis.

Castiel pushed his hand away with a laugh. 'Shut up.'

Thanksgiving was painful. First of all, Castiel had to take the Greyhound again, because his parents had no interest in going to Lawrence. When Zachariah picked him up in Salina, he spent the entire nearly two-hour drive ranting about Gabriel's betrayal and perdition. Fortunately, he didn't require much of a response, so Castiel tried his best to tune it all out.

At home, the atmosphere wasn't much less frosty. Naomi was her usual frigid self, and Castiel felt it even more strongly now that he had the comparison with Mary Winchester's mothering style. He immediately saw what Gabriel had meant about Hael becoming more like her- the sweet girl he had in his mind from a mere four months earlier was now colder and more aloof. It was unsettling how uncomfortable his home made him feel.

Hannah's husband Joseph had decided that they would have Thanksgiving dinner with his family in Wichita that year, so only Michael's family joined them on Thursday. Hester was enormously pregnant, due in late December, yet already they were discussing their plans for baby number four. No one else at the table batted an eyelid at this, but Castiel remembered Sam and Dean's reaction to the quiverfull philosophy and found himself agreeing with how odd it seemed. He did not mention it out loud.

As a compromise to Naomi, who hadn't appreciated Joseph's Thanksgiving choice (but would never dare say anything, since a woman's husband was the head of the household and entitled to make those decisions), Hannah's family came to them on Friday. Castiel noticed even more starkly this time how much less content Hannah seemed with her arrangement. There were dark circles under her eyes, and he realised with shock that she was pregnant again. She had only just given birth to twins in April, so to see her with such a large belly already was disconcerting. When they hugged, she held on tightly.

'I've missed you so much, Castiel,' she said.

'Me too. I didn't realise you were expecting again.'

She sighed and rubbed her stomach. 'We only made it public a couple of weeks ago. Believe it or not, I'm only two months along.' She smiled weakly, her eyes damp and voice weary. 'Twins again, can you believe it? God has truly blessed me with fruitfulness.'

'That must be exhausting for you,' Castiel commiserated, being sure to keep his voice down. 'Do you have help?'

'Oh yes, Joseph's mother is very… involved,' she replied, but the way she said it made it sound like that involvement wasn't necessarily welcome. 'We just have to be thankful for the Lord's bounty.'

'Of course,' Castiel agreed, but it felt empty.

Sunday couldn't come soon enough. Home had never felt more alien to him, and he longed to be back in Lawrence- to be more specific, with Dean. The stark contrast of his family's coldness with the warmth of the Winchesters threw him into a state of confusion about who really showed God's grace. He prayed every night while he was at home, but for the first time in his life, there was no comfort in the action. Fortunately, he had always been the quiet one at home, and his family mostly left him alone in favour of meddling in Michael and Hannah's lives, and, of course, speaking poorly of Gabriel in his absence.

Castiel was packed and ready to go early on Sunday, but of course he had to accompany the family to church. Everyone there fawned over him after not seeing him for so long, and he enjoyed seeing some of his old friends from youth group, but the service itself left him cold. The sermon went in one ear and out the other as he sat there desperately trying to remember why this building used to feel like a second home to him. The pastor was judgemental and brash, with none of the sensitivity and gravitas of Professor Mullen, and clearly with barely half of his education. It overwhelmed him so much that he only realised there were tears running down his face when his mother put a hand on his shoulder.

'Oh Castiel, so overcome by the Holy Spirit,' she said approvingly. He closed his eyes and nodded, knowing that would be enough to get him off the hook for further conversation. 

They had lunch at a nearby restaurant, where Zachariah left their waitress his usual measly five percent tip and a church leaflet disguised as a twenty dollar bill, and with the excuse of going to the bathroom, Castiel lagged behind his family to leave an extra ten dollars on the table. They returned to the house for Castiel to grab his bag, then he began the return journey to Salina with his father.

'I've been thinking about your winter break,' Zachariah said once they were half an hour out of Lebanon. Castiel barely controlled his shudder at the thought of being home for nearly a month. 'I didn't want to say anything before because we wanted to make sure our passports would come through in time, but your mother and I are doing a Holy Land tour with the church in the first couple weeks of January.'

'Oh, that sounds amazing!' Castiel responded with genuine enthusiasm.

'Yes, well, we leave on the third and we don't want to leave you home alone for two weeks. We were thinking you could stay with Michael.'

Castiel could hardly think of anything worse. 'I wouldn't want to impose on him. Maybe I could stay with Hannah in Wichita, help her with the twins.'

'That's not a man's role, son,' Zachariah frowned. 'Besides, Joseph's mother helps her plenty.'

'Well, I could just go back to Lawrence early. The dorm will be closed, but I'm sure the church there could find me a host family, or someone in Campus Crusade. It would let me get ahead on my reading for next semester. After all, with the children, and Hester probably having just brought the new baby into the world…'

'Hmm, yes, good point. All right, if you can find a host family, you may go back early. Our flight leaves from Kansas City anyway, so we can drop you off on the way.'

'Great, thanks, Dad. I'll let you know.'

They drove the rest of the way to Salina with nothing but Family Radio to break the silence. Boarding the Greyhound felt a lot like freedom.

After a tight hug that left Castiel almost breathless, Dean regaled him with stories of his family's much more enjoyable-sounding Thanksgiving dinner. 'I couldn't believe it, Cas, I've never seen Uncle Bobby blush in my entire life, but when Ellen said if he didn't hurry up and ask her out she'd find some other crotchety old coot who'd treat her right, his entire face just went completely red! But hey, it worked, because poor Sam had the bad luck of walking in on them making out in the garage later. His face! It was priceless.'

'Your holiday sounds much nicer than mine. Most of the time everyone talked about Gabriel and how horrible he is. Poor Hannah is expecting twins again, and she looked so exhausted and miserable, and nobody showed any sympathy for her.'

'I bet _you_ did,' Dean argued, drawing a smile from Castiel.

'I did. A few months ago, I would probably have thought she was particularly blessed by God, but… well, it didn't seem like much of a blessing for her to have to deal with seven-month-old twins while carrying another set.'

'Yikes, that is rough.'

'I was only there for a few days, and I was already dreading having to be home for a month. But God must have heard my prayers, because my parents are going on a Holy Land tour in January and have said I can come back to Lawrence if I can find a host family from the church or Campus Crusade.'

Dean frowned, looking hurt. 'What am I, chopped liver?'

'What do you mean?' Castiel tilted his head questioningly.

'I mean what's wrong with my family?'

'Nothing is wrong with your family!' Castiel replied fervently. 'Your family is wonderful!'

Dean crossed his arms defensively. 'But we're not good enough to host you?'

Castiel's jaw dropped. 'You would do that for me?'

'Of course, Cas. What do you think I am, some dick who lets his best friend stay with strangers when my family is just a few miles away?'

'No, of course not,' Castiel insisted, feeling tears prick his eyes. 'But I would never assume… I wouldn't want to impose. I didn't mean to offend you.'

'Hey, it's OK,' Dean said soothingly, wrapping Castiel in another hug. 'I didn't mean to make you feel bad. You don't have to stay with us.'

'I'd love to stay with your family, Dean. That would be so much better than staying with strangers. But are you sure it would be all right with your parents? I don't want to give them any trouble.'

'Dude, you're, like, the least trouble of anybody ever. I'm sure it'll be fine, they're always asking about you. I'll call 'em right now if you want.'

'I don't want to be a bother.'

Dean rolled his eyes and walked over to the phone to call his parents. 'Hi Mom. Yeah, everything's fine. Listen, Cas just got back, turns out his parents are going on a trip after new year, and he needs a place to stay in Lawrence until the dorms open.' He paused and smirked at Castiel at whatever Mary said to him. 'That's what I told him. Thanks, Mom. Once we know all the details, I'll let you know. Love you too. Bye!'

'What did she say?'

'She barely let me finish talking before she insisted that you had to stay with us, and I'm not supposed to let you even think about staying anywhere else.'

This time it was Castiel who rushed into the hug. 'Thank you, Dean. Why are you so kind to me?'

Dean squeezed tightly and sighed. 'Because you deserve it.'

They spent the next half hour discussing his stay, and most importantly, how to interact with Castiel's parents. Dean already had an idea of what they were like, but Castiel had to swallow down a significant amount of humiliation to explain that Zachariah and Naomi would judge the Winchesters by their own standards rather than as the warm human beings they were. To avoid the risk of them not letting Castiel stay there after all, Dean insisted on being told how they should behave when they dropped him off, and even took notes about the Novaks' expectations of clothing, hair styles, and how to address people. He promised that Mary in particular would understand, having come from a somewhat strict household herself, and that he would be on his absolute best behaviour.

The last two weeks of the semester went much faster than either of them would have liked, and finals weeks was a blur of coffee (for Dean), herbal tea (for Castiel), and exams (for both). Dean had his last exam on Wednesday but stayed until Friday anyway to give Castiel moral support for his last exam that morning. He'd even offered to drive Castiel to Kansas City to catch the bus, but Bartholomew from Campus Crusade had already informed Castiel that he would be taking him to the bus station on his way home to Minnesota. Castiel's sour expression when he told Dean about it made it clear that he hadn't been given much of a choice in the matter.

Unwilling to subject Dean to Bartholomew, he insisted that Dean leave first, sharing a hug in the privacy of their room rather than the front steps of the dorm. Bartholomew arrived punctually at the agreed time and spent the entire forty-five-minute journey trying to convince Castiel to take on a more prominent role in Campus Crusade the following semester.

'We need more leaders from your kind of background, Castiel,' he argued. 'Homeschooling, complementarianism, quiverfull ideology, courtship- all of that is growing fast, and we need strong representation in the leadership group to show we support those ideals. Now, I can't offer you an official office, because our constitution only allows for the five positions we already have, but we have some leeway to make committees on particular topics, and I could make you a chair of a committee.'

'I don't think I'm really cut out to be a committee chair, Bartholomew. I don't even know what I would do in that kind of role.'

'You would witness to us about your experience! We need to make these views more common in the evangelical community. Show the world how godly and biblical life can be.'

Castiel squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. 'I'll think about it. I'm not usually comfortable in leadership positions.'

'Pray on it over the holidays and let me know in January. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.'

Christmas was excruciating, but not as bad as it could have been. Hester gave birth the day after Castiel got home, which meant everyone was focused on her and the baby, another boy they named Samandriel. Castiel was grateful that they would be homeschooling, because he could only imagine how the poor child would be bullied in school with a name like that. Gabriel was barely mentioned, though always in a derogatory fashion when his name did come up.

When they weren't talking about the baby, they were talking about Zachariah and Naomi's upcoming trip to the Holy Land. Castiel was somewhat envious, as their itinerary sounded fascinating, but the thought of being trapped for two weeks with his parents and a number of other prominent families from their church made him feel relieved that he would be back in Lawrence with the Winchesters instead.

New Year's Eve was, of course, spent in church, praying for God's blessings in the year to come as the clock struck midnight. Castiel spent much of the service wondering what Dean was doing, and if he would partake in the more worldly tradition of kissing someone at midnight. He tried not to imagine himself as the recipient of that kiss but couldn't say he was completely successful.

At last it was the second of January, and Castiel had to hold himself back from running to the car for the trip to Lawrence. The Novaks' flight from Kansas City was in the early evening, so they wanted to have Castiel at the Winchesters' by lunchtime. Castiel was more than happy to wake up at seven to make that possible, and they were on the road by eight. The butterflies in Castiel's stomach became a tornado as they pulled into the driveway, and as they walked up to the porch, he said a final short prayer that everything would work out.

Dean had prepared his family extremely well. John was at work, but Mary came to the door in a modest sweater and skirt, and Dean was right behind her in khakis and a button-up and his hair neatly combed with its centre-parting. They were both polite to Zachariah and Naomi, who returned the favour and smiled approvingly at Castiel.

'Thank you so much for hosting Castiel, Mrs Winchester. I hope it won't put you to any trouble.'

'Of course not, Mr Novak, Castiel is no trouble at all. We're delighted to have him here.'

'Well, good, excellent. I've given him some money to contribute to household expenses during his stay, and for gas money to take him to church on Sundays. My wife and I really appreciate your help.' Naomi nodded in agreement.

'That's so generous of you,' Mary said with a tight smile that only Dean and Castiel recognised as being strained. 'Can I offer you a cup of tea or a snack before your trip?'

Zachariah waved away the hospitality. 'Thank you, but we need to get going. It was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Winchester. Dean. God bless you.' He shook both their hands, and Naomi did likewise. To Castiel's shock, she then gave him a hug, though at least Zachariah stuck to the handshake for him as well.

'God bless you,' Naomi parroted, and she and Zachariah returned to the car. Dean, Mary and Castiel stayed on the porch waving until they were out of sight, and then Dean gave Castiel a light punch in the arm.

'How'd we do? They totally bought that we're respectable people, right?' he asked with a satisfied grin.

'Hey, I'm respectable,' Mary argued. 'Most of the time.' She hugged Castiel tightly. 'Welcome to our home, Cas. Very, very welcome.'

'Thank you, Mrs Winchester.'

She gave an exasperated sigh. 'Will you ever call me Mary?'

'I think it's very unlikely, Mrs Winchester,' Castiel replied, but his shy smile made her laugh.

'I see that four months of living with Dean are taking their toll on you,' she teased, hugging him again before opening the door. 'Come on in, you must be hungry after that long trip.'

Dean carried Castiel's bags up to his room, which they would be sharing with a rollaway cot for Castiel. In theory, it wasn't any different than sharing a dorm room, but somehow it felt more intimate to be in Dean's personal bedroom. Once he'd put down Castiel's bags, Dean immediately started stripping out of his formal clothes, leaving him in just his socks and boxers before Castiel could even realise he was staring.

'You OK, Cas?' Dean asked when he noticed that Castiel hadn't moved.

'Fine,' Castiel croaked. 'Just tired. Woke up early.'

Dean mercifully put on a t-shirt and sweatpants before walking over to pat Castiel's shoulder. 'Aiight buddy, I got your back. Today is officially a movie marathon day, so get your PJs on and I'll get the sandwiches me and my mom made. Just come downstairs when you're done.'

Castiel gave himself a moment to recover, pushing down on his erection to try and make it go away. Prayer hadn't worked for that in a long time, so he forced himself to think of unpleasant things like his parents kissing. Once he was in a fit state for company, he changed into his pyjamas and went back down to where he had seen the kitchen. Mary was putting the finishing touches on a platter of sandwiches and chips while Dean stirred a pitcher of what looked like homemade lemonade.

'Hey Cas! I know you don't really like pop, so I made some lemonade. Hope that's OK.'

'Thank you, Dean, that will be wonderful.'

'Calm down, buddy,' Dean snorted. 'It's from a powder. It's not like I squeezed actual lemons for your picky ass.'

Castiel couldn't help but smile at Dean's typical self-deprecation over his thoughtfulness. 'All the same, my picky rear thanks you.' They grinned at each other for a while, time seeming to stand still for Dean's sunny expression, and it was only Mary clearing her throat that broke the spell.

'Why don't you boys take the drink things and plates, and I'll take the sandwiches?' She and Dean shared a look Castiel didn't quite understand, but a blushing Dean immediately grabbed the pitcher and two cups, indicating the plates and napkins for Castiel to carry before leading him to the den.

It was a cosy room with a big couch in front of the largest TV Castiel had ever seen: a giant black rectangle, sitting on top of what looked like its own speakers. Dean grinned. 'I know, it's awesome, isn't it? Dad got it second-hand off a guy who got a new model.' He began rattling off statistics about the huge set, but Castiel didn't really understand what it all meant. 'Anyway, what do you wanna watch?'

Castiel decided to be brave and attempt the first Indiana Jones film. He was shocked to find himself enjoying it but agreed with Dean's assessment that a few months earlier he would have felt very uncomfortable. They ended up watching the entire trilogy, and Castiel was surprised to find how little the religious aspects disturbed him. Feeling emboldened, he asked Dean if there were any other favourites of his that he'd been too afraid to watch with Castiel before.

'Well, duh, dude,' Dean replied. 'I mean, pretty much all the good Swayze movies.'

'What's a Swayze movie?'

'Swayze. Like Patrick Swayze?' Castiel just shrugged. 'Dude! Cas, buddy, we gotta watch some Swayze.' He got up to look through the video collection, then stopped. 'Oh. Uh… actually, maybe you wouldn't like 'em after all.'

'Why not?'

'They, um… they got a lot of, like, romantic stuff in them.' Dean rubbed the back of his neck and blushed, but Castiel still didn't understand.

'I don't mind romance. I enjoyed _The Princess Bride_ ,' he argued.

Dean chuckled. 'Yeah, not that kinda romance, Cas. More like the naked sweaty kind.'

Castiel could feel his face get hot as he blushed deeply. 'Oh. I see. "Sexual" scenes.'

'Yeah, Cas, "sexual" scenes,' Dean agreed with another small laugh. 'I don't know if you're any more comfortable with that than you were a few months ago.'

'I don't know,' he answered honestly. 'Maybe we could try one that doesn't have a lot of… that and we'll see how I do?'

'OK. Uh… maybe Ghost. I don't think that has any, like, full naked bits.' Castiel's hands shook a bit, but he bit his lip and nodded while Dean put the video in the machine.

There was absolutely no way Castiel's parents would ever have let him watch this movie. On top of the wildly unbiblical portrayal of an afterlife and a psychic medium, the section of the film with the… pottery would have had them tearing the video out of the VCR with extreme prejudice.

Castiel was fascinated.

He looked over at Dean as subtly as he could and found that he had put one of the cushions over his lap as he watched it. Feeling himself beginning to get aroused as well, he copied the action and hoped Dean wouldn't notice. He was so concerned with how Dean might react to his arousal that he wasn't immediately aware that he'd spent most of the scene admiring Sam, not Molly. The realisation was horrifying.

'I'm not sure I can watch this after all,' he said in a small, shaky voice, and Dean pressed stop on the remote.

'Yeah, totally, bad idea,' he agreed quickly. 'Sorry. How about _Die Hard_? Let's watch _Die Hard_. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom first.' He ran out of the room so quickly that Castiel almost didn't notice the tent in his sweatpants.

Almost.

_Die Hard_ ended up being quite enjoyable, and they watched the sequel as well for good measure. Sam, who had been hanging out with friends earlier, joined them partway through that, and when John came home from work, the whole family had dinner together. While eating dessert, the Winchesters argued amongst themselves about which board game they would play after dinner, with Sam arguing for Monopoly (and being unanimously shot down), Mary suggesting Pictionary, John proposing Yahtzee, and Dean claiming that Scattergories was the only option. Castiel was given the tie-breaking vote as the guest and had to admit that he didn't know any of the games. Sam and Dean tried to explain them all through the rather ineffective method of shouting and constantly interrupting each other, but when that devolved into wrestling, Mary rolled her eyes and brought all four boxes out for Castiel to read the instructions himself.

After eliminating Yahtzee (for being a game of chance) and Monopoly (apparently the last attempt had ended in fisticuffs and Sam spraining his wrist), Castiel ended up choosing Pictionary as the game least likely to embarrass him over his lack of pop culture knowledge. Dean immediately claimed him for his team in the first round, Sam claimed Mary, and John ruled the stopwatch and refereed. Dean and Castiel squeaked a victory by a single point, resulting in another brotherly wrestling match and John declaring that game night was done, and everybody had to go to bed.

Mary and Sam both hugged him goodnight, and he and Dean stayed up late talking until they both fell asleep. Castiel couldn't remember ever having a better day.

The rest of the vacation continued in a similar manner. Sam had to go back to school on the third and Mary worked part-time, so Dean and Castiel frequently had the house to themselves. They slept in most mornings, lounged around watching movies or cartoons, and sometimes went for drives in Dean's car. The more time they spent together, the more Castiel felt himself falling for Dean. Worse than that, he was sure that he was doing a poor job of hiding his feelings. He often caught himself staring at Dean with what he could only presume was an adoring expression, hanging on his every word and constantly trying to count his freckles. Fortunately, Dean didn't seem to have noticed, because he didn't treat Castiel any differently- he was still the same affectionate, unfailingly kind and warm friend he had always been.

It appeared that only Castiel suffered from the affliction of pining over his roommate. He couldn't be surprised; even if Dean _did_ like men in that way, it wasn't like Castiel would be the object of his affections. The thought was so absurd that Castiel could barely even feel disappointed about it. Part of him was almost relieved, because it meant he wouldn't have the opportunity to act on his ungodly feelings.

Second semester started cold and grey, and Castiel swore he could feel his soul emulating the weather when he stepped into his first class: Biology 101. He had avoided it in first semester, but it was a requirement for graduation and best gotten out of the way early. His parents weren't aware that it was on his schedule, to avoid him having to tell them that he would be studying the theory of evolution.

Castiel had of course been properly instructed in creation science, and knew the earth was 6000 years old. The whole family had even taken a trip to the Museum of Creation and Earth History in California when it had opened a couple of years earlier. He didn't expect to be swayed by the arguments that would be put forward in the class. Or rather, he wouldn't have expected to be swayed before he had set foot on KU's campus. But after his first semester and the changes he had already felt in his faith, he now didn't know what to expect.

The first day of class didn't directly address any of his fears, but he felt no better after leaving the auditorium and heading to the Campus Crusade meeting. Bartholomew immediately accosted him at the door.

'Castiel! Have you prayed on what we discussed before Christmas?' he asked without any post-holiday pleasantries.

'Hello, Bartholomew. Yes, I have, and I just don't feel it's right for me at this time. I'm not a natural leader.'

Bartholomew looked unimpressed. 'I'm disappointed to hear you say that. Take a bit longer to think, really search your heart and ask the lord to speak to you. We'll speak again next week.' He didn't let Castiel get another word in before turning on his heel and walking to the front of the room to start the meeting.

The hour passed even more slowly than the rest of this so-far dreary Monday had done, and Castiel was the first person through the doors at the end of the meeting. To his surprise, Dean was leaning against the bike rack near the front of the building, and Castiel felt the first smile of the day appear on his face.

'Dean! What are you doing here?' He practically ran to Dean and hugged him tightly. Of course, Dean squeezed right back before they pulled apart.

'I had a class next door just before this, thought I'd meet you here for us to go to dinner. I feel like tacos.'

'Tacos sound great,' Castiel grinned. Dean tossed an arm around his shoulder and nudged his head against Castiel's temple. Castiel couldn't resist leaning into the embrace.

'Awesome, let's go.'

'Castiel,' came a sharp call from behind them, and they both turned around to see Bartholomew glaring at them. 'I hope _this_ isn't why you're avoiding the call to leadership,' he said with a disdainful once-over of Dean.

'What do you mean?' Castiel asked with confusion. 'This is my roommate, Dean. Dean, this is Bartholomew, president of Campus Crusade.' Dean stuck his hand out, but Bartholomew looked at it as if it were covered in maggots.

'You should have mentioned this sooner, Castiel. I'm sure we could have found you a more appropriate roommate.'

'The hell is that supposed to mean?' Dean barked.

Bartholomew pointedly ignored him. 'It's important to surround yourself with good influences in order to avoid corruption, Castiel. If I had known how… _close_ you are with your "roommate," I would have acted sooner.'

Dean squared up to Bartholomew, their similar heights making Dean one of few people who could look him in the eye. 'Look, buddy, I don't know what your major malfunction is, but you lay off of Cas.'

'Well aren't you just his Prince Charming?' Bartholomew sneered. 'Or is it fairy godmother?'

'Oh that's it, you fu-'

'Dean, stop!' Castiel interrupted, pulling Dean's arm to prevent him from punching Bartholomew. 'It's not worth you getting in trouble.' Dean let Castiel draw him away, but kept his scowl firmly directed at Bartholomew. 'Bartholomew, consider this my resignation from Campus Crusade. Come on, Dean, let's get tacos.' Castiel offered his arm, which Dean took with a smug grin.

'I should have guessed,' Bartholomew spat. 'Enjoy perdition, fa-'

This time Castiel didn't stop Dean's fist, but he did pull him quickly away as soon as Bartholomew hit the ground. They went for tacos and didn't talk about any of Bartholomew's insinuations.


	5. Chapter 5

When Monday rolled around again, Castiel found himself relieved not to have the Campus Crusade meeting to go to, but after a biology lecture that left him feeling a bit shaky, he was disappointed to come back to an empty room and a note from Dean on the dry erase board that he was out with Nick and wouldn't be home in time for dinner. Castiel sighed, decided he felt too fragile to go to the dining hall alone, and poured himself a big bowl of Golden Grahams for his own dinner. He was halfway through the bowl and chapter ten of the Book of Genesis when Dean came storming through the door. He let it slam behind himself, a scowl marring his beautiful features. Castiel was so surprised that he froze in place, spoon halfway to his open mouth.

Dean stopped short when he realised Castiel was there, and the angry expression melted into a sheepish smile. 'Uh, hey, Cas. Sorry, forgot you'd be home.'

'Is something wrong?' Castiel asked tentatively, setting the bowl and spoon down on his desk. 'You seem upset.'

'Yeah, I guess. Nick and I broke… off our friendship.' Dean blushed, rubbing the back of his neck and looking at the floor as he often did when nervous. 'Had a big bust up.'

'I'm sorry, Dean,' Castiel said sympathetically, though he didn't really understand why that would have upset Dean so much. Sure, he and Nick hung out somewhat regularly, but Dean barely ever spoke about him and never brought him over to hang out like he did with members of the band, so Castiel had always assumed they weren't that close. Again, he got the feeling that there was something weird about the friendship with Nick; or rather, that there _had_ been, since apparently, they weren't friends anymore. He tried not to feel too happy about that, but failed completely.

Dean shrugged. 'Shit happens. Sometimes people you thought were fly turn out to be completely wack.'

'I have no idea what that means, but I assume it's bad.' In fact, Castiel did understand those slang terms now, but he knew it always cheered Dean up when he could teach Castiel something new, so he played a bit dumb now to get the effect. 'I didn't know Nick well enough to judge whether he was "fly" or "wack" as a person, but you deserve to only have "fly" people in your life.'

As hoped, Dean laughed so hard that it took him a couple of minutes to get his breath back. 'Thanks, Cas. You're definitely the flyest person I know.' He pulled Castiel to his feet and into a tight hug that seemed to last a little longer than usual, but Castiel wasn't about to complain. 'You got any spare cereal? I ended up not eating.'

'Of course, Dean.' Castiel closed his Bible and handed Dean the Golden Grahams.

It only took another week for everything to go wrong in biology class. The first lecture about evolution was so shocking that Castiel decided to read the section of the textbook ahead of time to prepare himself. What he read only made him feel worse. He wanted to reject it all, to think it was all lies, but every statement made in the book had a reference that he could read for himself, showing scientific results that supported the arguments. He had never heard any of this, and when he returned to his creationist texts to see their rebuttals, he was disappointed- crushed, even- to find that they were horrifyingly weak in their evidence, when they even tried to use evidence at all. He saw arguments twisted and misrepresented in ways that were downright dishonest. Surely if creationism had truth on its side, it wouldn't need to distort what evolutionists actually said?

The topic preyed on his mind throughout that week and into the next. He sought more reading, holing himself up in the library for hours to read all he could. When he ran out of good books, he went to the computer lab, and after learning how to get onto Usenet, found a group run by actual scientists refuting every single point he had ever come across as proof of creationism. He barely saw Dean for those two weeks, too absorbed in the new information to notice the hours passing. On Friday, the entire biology lecture was dedicated to the same topic: showing weaknesses in the arguments of both creationism and a new term he had just learned, intelligent design.

It was all too devastating; he skipped his remaining classes and went straight back to the dorm. When Dean got home an hour later, he found Castiel curled in a ball and crying his eyes out.

'Cas!' he cried out, dropping his bag and running to Castiel's bedside. 'What's wrong?' Castiel was still too distraught to speak, just shaking his head and curling up tighter, so Dean climbed in next to him and held him. 'Shh…. It's OK, let it out. I'm here. You're OK.'

It felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes before Castiel began to calm down enough to speak. He clung tightly to Dean as he explained his research of the last two weeks and the conclusions he had come to about evolution being true.

'I don't know what to do. The Bible is supposed to be literal and inerrant, but it _isn't_ , Dean it _just isn't_! If the world isn't 6000 years old, if Adam and Eve _aren't even real_ , what does that mean for… for _everything_?'

'Cas, hey, hey, chill,' Dean said soothingly. 'We've talked about this before with your religion classes, right? Just because this makes you feel like your parents' religion may be wrong, it doesn't mean you have to throw it all away. You can still believe in God and all that stuff, it's just about finding a denomination that better fits how you feel now and the facts you know.'

'It sounds so simple when you say it like that,' Castiel sighed, 'but I don't know what I believe anymore.'

Dean hugged him even more tightly. 'We can figure it out together.'

He was true to his word. They spent hours talking, looking up the beliefs of every Christian denomination they could find, and even attending services at a couple of the promising-looking options in Lawrence. Nothing settled well with Castiel, who still felt guilty attending mainline protestant churches for even a single service, and the very thought of attending a Catholic mass still horrified him enough to keep him out of those establishments.

When he wasn't helping Castiel with his religious crisis, Dean was spending all of his non-academic time with the band, who had managed to score a gig at another bar the Saturday before Valentine's Day. Charlie even came over a few times with her electronic keyboard to help Dean work on their new tunes, and Castiel enjoyed getting to know her better. At times it seemed that she and Dean would have an unspoken conversation with just their eyes, and then Dean would blush, and Charlie would grin before they started talking again.

Castiel didn't like those times.

They never seemed to do anything blatantly romantic when they were in Dean and Castiel's room, though, and at times the way they acted seemed more like siblings than lovers, so Castiel forced himself to believe that their friendship was strictly platonic and whatever those little eye conversations were had something to do with the music.

The day of the gig finally arrived, and Dean was clearly nervous. Castiel had of course promised to attend despite the iniquitous location. Dean had made a joke about that: 'Dude, you're rebelling against a super strict religious upbringing. Iniquity is one of the perks!' But in truth, nothing would keep Castiel from watching Dean sing.

The bar was even busier than The Roadhouse had been, and he noticed that a group of girls even had t-shirts with the band name and Dean's face on it. Apparently, he had 'groupers', or whatever that word was for the most devoted fans of rock bands. Dean winked at them from the stage when they shouted his name, and Castiel wondered if he would go home with one of them tonight. Just as the bile began to rise in his throat, he noticed Dean jump down to the floor and head towards him with a big smile.

'Hey Cas! Thanks again for coming.' He hugged Castiel tightly, and over his shoulder Castiel saw the girls give him a sour expression. 'I got a surprise for ya.'

'Oh? What is it?'

'I, uh…' Dean did his usual nervous tics, rubbing his neck and looking at the floor. 'I wrote a song for you.'

'For… for me?'

'Yep.' Chuck called Dean's name, waving him back over to get things started. 'See if you can guess which one. Catch you after?'

'Of course.' Castiel stared after Dean in amazement. A song just for him? What an amazing gift!

The set started off with one of their usual covers, alternating with original songs as it progressed. Nothing really struck Castiel as being a song particularly for or about him, and he wondered what Dean had meant.

After playing that one song that Dean really liked by the leaden airship band he said was his favourite, Dean retuned his guitar and looked out at the audience. 'This one is for somebody who means a lot to me. I think you know who you are. Hope you all like it.'

Dean strummed his guitar for a few bars; the tune was familiar, and Castiel realised it was the one Dean and Charlie were always working on whenever they had those little secret communications. His heart sank as he realised he may about to hear Dean's love song for Charlie. Then Dean began to sing.

_I hear a voice in my mind, I know his face by heart_

_Heaven and earth are moving in my soul, I don't know where to start_

The rest of the band joined in with their instruments as he started the next line.

_Tell me, tell me, the words to define, the way I feel about someone so fine_

_How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold him close to where you are?_

_How do you talk to an angel? It's like trying to catch a falling star_

Castiel froze. How do you talk to an _angel_? And were those male pronouns Dean was using to refer to the angel? He looked up at the stage, but Dean was strumming his guitar with his eyes closed, deeply into the music as always.

_At night I dream that he is there, and I can feel him in the air_

_Tell me, tell me, the words to define, the way I feel about someone so fine_

_How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold him close to where you are?_

_How do you talk to an angel? It's like trying to catch a falling star_

Castiel trembled as he made his way closer to the wall for support. _I wrote a song for you_ , Dean had said. _See if you can guess which one_.

But it couldn't be this one. It just couldn't be.

'Damn,' sighed the girl standing next to him when the last chord ended, 'I wonder who the lucky bitch is.'

'What lucky bitch?' asked her friend.

'The one that song's about. Dean is obviously head over heels for her.' Castiel froze, his entire body going tense and his cheeks flaming hot.

'Uh, were you even listening to the lyrics, dumbass? It's about a guy.'

'What?' the first girl asked, clearly shocked.

'Yeah. How do you talk to an angel, how do you hold _him_ close to where you are? He definitely said him.'

'Sooo… is he, like, gay or something?'

The second girl shrugged. 'I don't know. I mean, maybe it's just meant to be weird.' Castiel trembled, desperately trying to hear their conversation over the sounds of the new song the band had just started. 'But I have heard rumours.'

'No! Seriously?'

'Oh yeah, totally. Apparently, he hooked up with a guy after their first gig, Nick somebody I think?' Castiel balled his fists; he _knew_ there had been something weird about Dean's brief friendship with Nick. 'But he's not who the song's about, I'm pretty sure.'

'So who is it about?'

'I don't know, but based on those lyrics, Dean is pretty crazy in love with the guy.'

Castiel couldn't listen any longer. His mind was reeling, and he stumbled through the crowd until he reached the bathrooms. As he washed his face with cold water, he tried to calm himself down, praying for calm, but as was so often true lately, nothing happened. The peace he used to feel when talking to God was gone, and he knew why.

Dean.

Dean, who was so beautiful, and kind, and _good_. His parents had always told him that homosexuals were evil, that they hated God, but nothing could be further from the truth. Dean wasn't evil; he rescued injured birds, he took care of his little brother, he defended Castiel from cruel bullies. Dean didn't hate God; he had doubts and questions, of course, but he never mocked Castiel's faith or acted angry or bitter during any of their long discussions on the topic. And yet, it appeared that Dean liked men romantically… that maybe Dean liked _him_ in that way.

Castiel's first thought was, _Why?_ Why would Dean, who was indeed so beautiful and kind and good, who knew all about songs and films and television, who could talk to and charm anybody in a half-mile radius, who could have anyone he wanted, want a quiet little weirdo like Castiel? It didn't make any sense. He must have misunderstood. There must have been another song that Dean wrote for him, a song about friends, not lovers; maybe he was missing it right now while he had an anxiety attack in the bathroom because of his mistaken assumption that Dean was in love with him. How could Dean possibly be in love with him? It made no sense. It simply wasn't possible.

The thought brought him no comfort. It made his stomach plummet to the ground, followed shortly thereafter by his heart. It made tears prick his eyes, and suddenly he needed to be anywhere but here. He rushed out without paying attention to his surroundings, and immediately walked into someone.

'Oh, I'm so sorry, I-'

'Hey, Cas,' Dean said gently, for it was in fact Dean's solid form he had collided with. 'You OK? You look upset.' He bit his lip, looked nervous, and again Castiel's face went bright red.

'I, um… I… I'm OK. Shouldn’t you be on stage?'

'Our set's done. Did… did you hear it?' Castiel nodded. 'Did you guess which song was for you?'

Castiel swallowed hard, unsure of how to answer. 'Um… I'm not sure.'

'Oh.' Dean looked disappointed. 'I thought it was pretty obvious, Angel.'

'But you… I'm not… you're so…' Castiel stammered, unable to finish any of his thoughts as they whizzed around his brain too fast to catch. 'Why?'

'Why what?'

'Why me?'

Dean furrowed his brow as if unable to understand Castiel's question. 'Why not you?'

'I'm… me. I'm quiet, and I'm weird, and I don't understand your references, and I wear boring clothes, and I'm so plain-'

'Dude!' Dean interrupted, grabbing him the shoulders and giving him a little shake. 'You're, like, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, male or female. I like your clothes, I like your quietness, I like your weirdness, and I like teaching you about my references. I like everything about you, Cas. Everything.' One hand moved up to Castiel's face, cupping his jaw while the thumb stroked along his cheekbone. 'It's not just me, is it?'

Castiel trembled, trying to force his head into a nod, his vocal cords, into telling Dean that it was just him, that Castiel didn't feel the same and that Dean should repent… but he couldn't. His head defied his will to shake minutely, and he rasped out a quiet, 'No, it's not.'

'Cas,' Dean said breathlessly, and when Castiel looked up, it felt like looking into the sun. Dean's smile brought the peace he'd been trying to find, quieting his soul and ending his panic. 'I'm in love with you.' He leaned forward, and Castiel was terrified that Dean was going to kiss him. It wasn't so much that he didn't want to be kissed- quite the contrary, despite how hard he tried to fight the feeling. The thing was… it would be his first kiss, and he didn't want it to happen in the men's room of a bar.

But as always, Dean seemed to understand things without Castiel needing to say a word. He tilted Castiel's head down and dropped a soft kiss on his forehead before stepping back and dropping his hand. Castiel grieved the loss of his grounding touch. 'I know this is tough for you. Relationships… the guy thing… I'm not gonna pressure you. If it's too much, that's OK, we'll just be friends. I'll _always_ be your friend, Cas, no matter what. If you _are_ interested, we can take it slow, we can talk about it first, as much as you want, before I so much as hug you again. And you can take as much time as you need to think about it. Seriously, no pressure, OK?'

'Thank you, Dean,' Castiel replied, voice still barely a whisper.

'Do you want me to take you home?'

'What about your band stuff?'

'The guys have got it.'

'They all know?'

Dean rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously, cheeks growing pink. 'They knew a long time before I wrote the song, Angel. I, uh… I'm pretty obvious, it turns out.'

'Obvious?'

'Yeah. Charlie says I've got heart eyes or something.'

'Heart eyes? For me?' Dean nodded, and Castiel smiled shyly. 'Can you take me home, please?'

Dean smiled and offered Castiel his arm, who took it with grin.

They didn't speak on the short drive back to their dorm, but the silence was warm, comfortable. Castiel watched Dean's profile, revelled in being able to look openly. Occasionally, Dean's eyes would flick towards Castiel, and the corner of his mouth would turn up in a private smile. Castiel loved knowing that he was putting that smile on his face.

Dean pulled into his parking space a few minutes later and hurried out to open the passenger door for Castiel. 'Thank you, Dean.'

'No problem. Hey, you want some hot chocolate or anything?' Dean asked as he opened the front door. 'We can stop in the kitchen first.'

'No, thank you.'

'OK, straight up, then.' They went up the stairs, and Dean let Castiel into the room ahead of him, both taking off their shoes once inside. 'Sure you don't want anything? Water, or-'

'I'm fine. I want… can I have a hug?'

'Yeah. Yeah, of course.' Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist, while Castiel put his around Dean's neck. They stood holding each other tightly for several minutes, both enjoying the closeness. Castiel breathed in Dean's clean scent, pressed his ear against Dean's chest to listen to his heart, beating almost as fast as his own. _He_ was having this effect on Dean. It made him feel warm all the way through, it made him feel _powerful_.

He knew what he wanted to do now.

When he loosened his hold, Dean did the same, but rather than stepping away, he just pulled back enough so they were cheek to cheek. Dean's breath was hot against his neck and sent a tremor through his entire body that Dean misinterpreted as a shiver of fear.

'It's OK, Cas,' he murmured. 'You're safe with me. I promise.'

'I know,' Castiel replied, pulling back another couple of inches. Dean's lips were so close now, so tempting… 'I don't know how to kiss,' he whispered. 'Will you show me?'

Dean's breath was ragged now, but he smiled as he brought one hand to Castiel's cheek. 'Of course I will, sweetheart.'

The first touch of their lips was soft, so soft Castiel almost thought he was imagining it, but then Dean pressed more firmly and oh yes, that was a kiss. Castiel tried to mirror Dean's motions, tried to remember what he had seen in the films Dean had shown him, but just as he felt he was getting somewhere, Dean pulled away.

'Fuck,' Dean sighed, while Castiel could only whimper his displeasure at the gap between them. 'That was one hell of a kiss.' The word hell sent a chill down Castiel's spine, and he stiffened in Dean's arms. Hell was exactly where this was leading, according to his parents and their church. He felt even worse when he realised that he'd thought of it as _their_ church, not _our_ church, not _his_ church. Had he already fallen so far? 'Hey, Cas, shh, it's OK,' Dean said softly, running his hand soothingly up and down Castiel's back. 'Was that too much?'

'I… I don't know. It's wrong to do this… I've always been told it's wrong. But…' he trailed off, trying to put his feelings into words.

'It doesn't feel wrong?' Dean finished for him, and Castiel nodded. 'I know you don't like me being too critical of your church, Cas, but there are other interpretations of those Bible verses. Churches that say you can be Christian and feel love for people of the same sex.'

'I want that to be true,' Castiel said desperately, 'but that's what makes me think it _can't_ be true. Wanting is a sin in itself.'

'You don't have a bad bone in your body, Cas. You're the nicest person I've ever met, and I'm sure you'd be that way whether you believed in God or not.' Dean placed another featherlight kiss on Castiel's lips and tried to pull away, but Castiel held him tight.

'Please don't let go just yet,' he pleaded. 'I need you.'

Dean wrapped his arms around him again. 'You got me.' They just held each other for a long while, Dean swaying their bodies ever so slightly to a beat only he could hear. 'I love you, Cas. I love you so much.'

Castiel's heart felt like it was going to burst. He couldn't hold himself back any longer. 'I love you, too, Dean.'

Dean's embrace grew tighter at Castiel's words, and he placed soft kisses in his hair. 'Awesome,' he sighed, and Castiel couldn't help but smile.

'I think I'm ready to try some more kissing,' he said shyly, pulling his head back far enough to initiate said kissing. He could feel Dean's lips curling into a smile as they came together, but he didn't let that distract him from his purpose. In a moment of bravery, he let his tongue flick out to Dean's bottom lip, and the response was better than he could have hoped for. Dean moaned as he led the kiss into open mouths and tongues territory.

For the first time in his life, Castiel let himself fully succumb to his lust. He was aware of every inch of where their bodies touched, pressing as tightly together as they possibly could. He was extremely aware of Dean's growing erection against his own, could feel something building- like that one time he had touched himself in the shower, before he had chickened out and turned the water to full cold.

On this occasion, he didn't even have time to think about chickening out. With an instinct he didn't even realise he had, he rolled his hips against Dean's once, twice, and suddenly a wave of pleasure overtook him. The sound he made was almost inhuman to his ears, and the mess in his pants made his humiliation complete. He ended the kiss and buried his head in Dean's shoulder, cheeks burning with shame and tears in his eyes.

'Cas, did you just… oh fuck, that's so hot.'

'What?' Castiel asked incredulously, still unwilling to look at Dean.

'Is that the first time you've ever come?'

Castiel nodded against Dean's shoulder. 'When I've been awake, anyway.'

'That's awesome.'

That was a surprising enough reaction to make Castiel finally look Dean in the eye.

'It is?'

'Dude, I'm your first kiss, the first person to make you come…' He stroked Castiel's cheek and looked at him with a gaze so heated that Castiel was sure steam would start coming out of his collar. 'I want to be your first everything, Cas. First to touch you. First to taste you. First to make love to you.' Castiel shivered with desire at Dean's words. 'And maybe if I'm real lucky, I'll be the only one.'

'Dean,' Castiel replied, somewhere between a whimper and a prayer.

'What do you need, angel?' Castiel just shook his head, unable to put his needs into words. 'Want me to leave you alone to clean up?' Another shake of the head. 'Want me to help you clean up?'

Castiel knew he should say no, or at least shake his head again. Instead he found himself nodding, blushing right to the tips of his ears, but nodding, nonetheless. Dean's hands moved down to the front of Castiel's pants, deft fingers unbuttoning and unzipping, pushing them down so they pooled at Castiel's feet. He stepped out of them and kicked them aside.

'Lie down, sweetheart,' Dean urged him in soothing tones, and for some reason Castiel went to Dean's bed. Dean bit his lip, clearly enjoying the view. Without breaking eye contact, Castiel unbuttoned his shirt and took it off before lying down, leaving him on his back in just his undershirt and boxers. 'Aren't you a sight for sore eyes? Can't tell you how many times I imagined this during my self-abuse time,' Dean said with a wink. His hand started at the top of Castiel's chest and slowly made its way down until he got to the waistband of Castiel's boxers. Then the other one joined in, and he gently tugged them down, Castiel lifting his hips to let them come down over his ass.

And just like that, he was mostly naked in front of another person- another _man_ \- and in what was very definitely a sexual way. The undertone of terror was still there, but when he saw the look on Dean's face, that was overcome by excitement. Dean looked _hungry_ for him- _him_ , Castiel, the weird home-schooled kid who hadn't known anything a few months ago, but who was now the object of desire for the most beautiful boy in the world. It gave him another burst of courage, and he pulled off his undershirt to leave him completely bare.

'Fuck,' Dean said again. 'Cas… you're so… fuck.' He grabbed the box of tissues and began to clean Castiel off, wiping gently and carefully avoiding touching anything too sensitive just yet. Ultimately, it couldn't be avoided, but even though Castiel was watching and knew it was coming, he still arched up off the bed at the sensation. 'Are you OK?' Dean asked as he finished and threw the tissues away.

'I think so.' In truth, Castiel was far from OK, but he almost had no idea how to feel. It was all so overwhelming, and he suddenly felt vulnerable and ashamed. 'I… I need c-clothes,' he stammered, and Dean rushed to open his drawer to get fresh boxers and pyjamas. Castiel grabbed them and put them on as quickly as he good, avoiding eye contact with Dean as he did so. Once he was dressed, he felt a warm hand in the middle of his back.

'Hey, Cas, it's OK. Can you look at me?' Dean asked with a gentleness that allowed Castiel to start breathing properly again.

'I don't know if I can,' he admitted. 'I feel ashamed for being so wanton.'

He felt the mattress shift as Dean sat beside him and wrapped his arms around Castiel's shoulders. 'Hey, no, there's no shame in what just happened, sweetheart. You're not wanton. We love each other, and you shared something beautiful with me.' He placed a soft kiss on Castiel's cheek. 'Thank you, Castiel.'

That was the first time Dean had ever said his full name. From day one, it had been Angel or Cas, but never Castiel. Hearing him say it now, at this crucial moment, meant everything. It meant Dean _saw_ him, all of him, knew him like no one else had ever known him. His soul finally felt quiet for the first time in weeks.

'Dean,' he sighed. He wanted to say, _Thank you for opening my eyes, thank you for loving me, you are everything, I'm so afraid, I'm so happy, I don't know who I am anymore, I'm yours, please don't hurt me, I love you,_ but nothing else came out. Just that one word, the most important word in the world to Castiel's heart, and Dean seemed to understand.

'It's OK, Angel. We'll figure it out together.' He gave Castiel one more squeeze before drawing back, still keeping one grounding hand on his back. 'How about we get ready for bed, then maybe we can talk a bit?'

'Can we "cuddle" while we talk?' Castiel asked. He knew by now that the air quotes were dorky, but he loved the way they always made Dean smile.

'Definitely,' Dean replied with just the grin that Castiel had hoped for. A few minutes later, they were back in Dean's bed with Castiel pillowed against Dean's chest. 'Been dreaming about this for so long, Angel,' Dean whispered into Castiel's hair as he dropped soft kisses into it.

'Does your family know that you… like men?'

'Yeah. My dad took a little while to get used to it, but they're all cool with it now. I like girls too, but I already warned 'em that I'd probably end up with… a guy.'

'With… me?'

'Um, well, that's what I was hoping, yeah.'

'Sam knows?'

Dean chuckled. 'He knew the day he met you. It was just a little crush then, but yeah, he saw right through me.'

'What about Nick?'

Dean tensed. 'What about him?'

'He wasn't just your friend, was he?'

'Uh, no. Me and him were going out for a little while.'

'Did you "hook up" with him after your first show?' Dean looked down at him with a shocked expression. 'I overheard some girls at the bar tonight discussing the rumours.'

'Oh. Yeah, we hooked up. We went out a few times, but he could tell I was hung up on somebody else.'

'Did- did you have sex with him?' Castiel started trembling again, not sure he really wanted to know the answer.

'Cas… I don't know how to answer that. Kind of no, kind of yes, but it depends on how you define it and I don't know how much detail you want.'

'I don't _want_ to know, but I think I _need_ to know.'

Dean exhaled roughly. 'OK, but just keep in mind that at that point, I was already really into you and thought I would never be able to be with you. OK?' Castiel nodded. 'We, uh, we got each other off, but just with hands and, uh, mouths.'

'You can do that with your mouth?' Castiel asked, shocked.

'Yeah. But we didn't do any butt stuff. Oh my god, I can't believe I just said butt stuff.' Dean covered his blushing face with his hand.

'Butt stuff?' Castiel found himself asking, barely even noticing Dean's blasphemy.

'I expect your dad would call it sodomy,' Dean mumbled.

'Oh. _Oh_. Butt stuff.' Castiel could feel that his face must have been nearly purple with embarrassment. 'Have you ever done that with anyone?'

'No. Been kinda saving that, I guess.'

Castiel squirmed, feeling simultaneous arousal and terror. 'I don't think I want to talk about butt stuff anymore.'

'Yeah, definitely, no problem,' Dean agreed with obvious relief. 'Anyway, we split up after a few weeks and stopped hanging out. He wanted to take things further than I did, we fought about it, that was that. I got tested afterwards, all clear.'

'Tested?'

'For STDs.'

'Venereal diseases?' Castiel asked in a horrified whisper.

'I don't think they're really called that anymore, but yeah. Like I said, all clear. No venereal diseases here.'

'That's… um, that's good.' He tucked his head closer against Dean's chest. 'You've probably already guessed that I don't know very much about sex.'

'Yeah, I kinda figured that.'

'I think Gabriel might be… like me.' He sighed. 'I think that's why he left home, and why my parents said I shouldn't talk to him anymore.'

'Have you talked to him since he visited?'

'No. But I think I may call him soon.'

'I think he'd like that.'

Castiel rested his chin on Dean's chest to look at him. 'He told you, didn't he?'

'Uh, yeah. He asked if anything was going on between us. I said no, but he figured out that I liked you. He said it was OK, he was a filthy sodomite too. His words,' Dean added hastily. 'He said it in kind of a joking way, like he was fine with it. He didn't feel like he could tell you then, though, because you were-'

'Still way too deep in it?' he offered, and Dean bit his lip.

'You heard us.'

'Yes, a small part of it, but I didn't understand. I feel… I feel bad that he thought he couldn't tell me then. I feel worse that he was probably right.'

Dean squeezed him tightly. 'It's not your fault, Cas. Don't beat yourself up about it. Look how far you've come since then.'

'I'm still scared. I don't know what I would do if my father walked in here right now.'

'You're allowed to be scared. Shit, I'm fuckin' terrified. But you're worth it.'

'You're worth it too, Dean,' Castiel said softly, and leaned in for a kiss. Dean kept it chaste, but that didn't make it any less exciting. 'I love you.'

'I love you too, Angel.'

They fell asleep in each other's arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel woke up sweaty and a bit cramped, the inevitable effect of sharing a twin bed with Dean. He also had a rock-hard erection, which he supposed was for the same reason.

'You awake, sweetheart?' Dean whispered, apparently having noticed his movement.

'Yes. Good morning.'

'Morning. Um, I think I need to warn you that I've got a bit of a situation and I don't want you to freak out.'

'What's wrong?' Castiel asked, head shooting up to look at Dean.

'Uh…' Dean looked down at his legs, and Castiel saw the tent in the sheets.

'Oh. Me too.' He pressed his hips against Dean's leg and they both moaned.

'Fuck. What should we do?'

'Pray until it goes away?' Castiel suggested as seriously as he could, but Dean caught the quirk of his lips as he tried not to laugh.

'Sassy fucker,' Dean teased and managed to roll them over so that Castiel was flat on his back and Dean hovered on top of him. He brought his hips down so that their erections brushed together, and Castiel threw his head back with a shocked gasp. Dean's lips brushed along Castiel's jaw, leaving light kisses in a line down his neck and back up to his ear. 'We don't have to do anything, Cas. Just tell me and I'll go sort myself out in the shower. But I want to make you feel good.'

'Stay,' was all Castiel was able to make himself say. Dean responded by rolling his hips again. 'Dean,' he sighed, pushing up to match Dean's light thrusts.

'You like that, sweetheart?' Dean whispered, and Castiel nodded vigorously. 'You want me to make you come again?'

'Please.' Castiel lasted slightly longer this time, but as he finished recovering from the aftershocks, he could feel that Dean was still hard. 'What about you?'

'I can use my hand. Do you want me to go?'

'I want to see you.'

Dean bit his lip, a strangled sound in his throat betraying his arousal. 'OK. Do you wanna, uh, clean up while I…'

'OK.' Castiel stood up and stepped out of his come-soaked pyjamas and underwear as Dean pulled down the sweatpants and boxers he'd slept in.

As Castiel reached for the tissues, Dean said, 'Fuck, Cas. Let me look at you.' With a nod, Castiel wiped himself down in Dean's line of sight, taking perhaps a bit longer than necessary, with lingering touches over his bare skin. Dean moaned, and suddenly streaks of white shot from his cock and coated his stomach. If Castiel hadn't just come, he knew he'd be hard again- the look of ecstasy on Dean's face, the evidence of his attraction to Castiel lying still warm on his skin, was overwhelming.

Instead of handing the tissue box to Dean, he took a couple out and began to return the favour Dean had done for him last night. Dean shivered under his touch, and he thought he might understand how Dean had felt the night before.

As soon as Castiel had wiped the last bit of come away, Dean stood up and pulled him close. They hugged tightly, naked from head to toe together for the first time, and while a small corner of his brain tried to scream at him that this was wrong, the truth was that he felt like he had come home.

'How about we shower, put some laundry on, and hang out in our PJs all day?'

'I like the sound of that.'

'Oh, and I should probably call Charlie. I promised her I'd let her know how it went last night.' Castiel paled and began to shake enough for Dean to pull back with a frown. 'Cas?' His eyes widened when he realised what he'd said. 'No, no, Cas, I don't mean I'm going to tell her about this,' he said, indicating their bodies. 'Just whether you liked me back or not.'

'I… I don't…' He collapsed down onto his bed, feeling himself panic at the thought of other people knowing about his shameful secret.

'You don't want anybody to know?' Dean asked gently. Castiel covered his face and nodded. 'Hey, sweetheart, shh, it's OK.' Dean sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 'Cas, the thing is, Charlie… she's like us.'

'What?' 

'She and Gilda are together. Like _together_ together.'

'You mean… sapphites?'

'Uh, I don't know what that is, but if it means chicks who like other chicks, then yeah.'

'Oh. Then I suppose…'

'I don't have to tell her. I can just say things are OK. She was just worried it might go… ya know… not so great.'

'You can tell her. But I'm not ready to… to be…'

'Public? Yeah, of course, Cas, totally. Just in these four walls, OK?'

Castiel felt bad forcing Dean to keep their love a secret, but he couldn't face the judgement of the outside world. Not yet. Dean seemed to understand, didn't seem angry, and even gave Castiel a kiss on the temple and hugged him closer. The sound of the phone ringing made them both jump. Dean ran to answer it and that was when Castiel remembered that they were both still naked.

'Hello? Oh, hey Charlie.' He looked at Castiel, who nodded before getting his bathrobe and shower caddy. 'Yeah, things are good. Cas is great.' He shot Castiel a fond smile to go with his fond tone, and Castiel couldn't help but return it. He indicated that he was going to shower to give Dean some privacy and got a thumbs up in reply. 'Best response I could've hoped for, Red,' he heard Dean continue as he walked out the door. 'I love him more than anything.'

The heat of the shower was nothing compared to the warmth inside him.

After they had both showered and put their laundry on, Castiel made a decision. 'I want to call Gabriel.'

'That's great, Cas! Do you want some privacy?'

Castiel shook his head. 'No. Please stay with me.'

'Of course.' He kissed Castiel's forehead and handed him the phone.

'Yello!' said a cheerful voice that Castiel recognised immediately.

'Gabriel?'

'Castiel?' came the hushed reply.

'Y-yes, it's me. How are you?'

'I'm fine.' He sounded wary, and his next words explained why. 'Did Dad put you up to this?'

'What? No. No, he actually said I should never speak to you again.'

'Ah. Yeah, that sounds more likely. Sooo… how are you?'

'I miss you.'

'I miss you too, baby bro.' Gabriel sounded softer now.

'Gabriel… Gabe… why did you leave?'

There was a long pause. 'If you're calling me, I'm guessing you already know.'

'I'd like to hear it from you anyway.'

Gabriel sighed. 'I fell in love.'

'With… with a man?'

Another pause. 'Yes.'

This time it was Castiel's turn to be silent for a while, and then he whispered, 'Me too.'

'Let me guess: green eyes, freckles, fan of flannel?'

'Good guess. I assume that's what your goodbye speech was about?' Castiel asked with a small smile. Dean rubbed his back comfortingly, and he rested his head on Dean's shoulder.

'I may have noticed some things that seemed familiar from how my guy and I started.'

'Will you tell me about him?'

'His name is Balthazar. We met at the bakery. He used to come in and flirt with me. I thought it was a joke, and one day I told him that I might start thinking he was serious if he kept it up. He looked right at me and said, "I'm completely serious, and I'd like to take you out to dinner to prove it to you." I was completely swept off my feet. Of course, it took another three months for me to get over my self-loathing and identity crisis, but eventually he took me out and the rest is history.'

'Are you together in Kansas City?'

'Yeah, we got an apartment. It's really nice, maybe you could visit sometime,' Gabriel said hopefully. 'You should bring Dean, we could go for a night on the town.'

'I think that would be nice.' He looked up at Dean, who smiled down at him and kissed his forehead. 'Have Mom and Dad left you alone?'

'To be honest, I went to a lot of trouble to make it hard for them to find me. I've been using the name Gabe Milton here.'

'Grandma Amy's maiden name,' Castiel grinned.

'Yep. I've listened to a lot of Elvis since running away.' They both chuckled a bit at that, but it made Castiel sad that Gabriel felt he needed to us an alias. More so, it made him feel afraid of his own situation.

'I assume I shouldn't tell Mom and Dad about my situation.'

'Holy shit, Cas, you must absolutely not under any circumstances tell Mom and Dad.' Gabriel was so vehement that Castiel almost dropped the phone. 'I'm serious, man. If you plan to get out from under them, you need to have an escape plan. I know you're over eighteen, but you're still dependent on them, and you absolutely can't be if you want to be out of the closet.'

'Oh. OK, what should I do?' He felt himself tensing up, and Dean must have felt it to, because the hand on his back started rubbing gentle circles over his shirt again.

'Can you get a job? Even just something part-time so you could squirrel away some money in a separate bank account?' Beside him, Dean nodded vigorously and mouthed, 'Roadhouse kitchen.'

'Yes, I think I can.'

'Great. Don't tell Mom and Dad you're doing anything except school stuff though. How are you paying for college?'

'I mostly have scholarships, but Dad is paying for my room and board.'

'OK, that's a little trickier. I'll talk to Balthazar, we'll come up with something. In the meantime, just save up as much money as you can.'

'Thank you, Gabe. I'd love to see you sometime.'

'Me too, Cas. I'll see what our schedule is like, maybe Bal and I can come to Lawrence sometime when we've both got a day off.'

'That would be wonderful. I… I'd love to meet him.'

Gabriel was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, he was clearly choked up. 'Thanks, Cas. Listen, I gotta go to work, but you give that lumberjack of yours a hug from me, OK?'

'I will,' he promised, already wrapping an arm around Dean's waist. 'I love you.'

'Love you too, kid.'

'And Gabe?'

'Yeah?'

'Was it worth it?'

Castiel could almost hear the smile on Gabriel's face. 'Completely worth it, baby bro.'

As soon as he hung up, Castiel let the tears fall. 'He sounds so happy, Dean. He sounds so _free_.'

Dean hugged him tightly. 'You're gonna be just like that, Cas. Happy and free. I promise.'

'You really think I could work at the Roadhouse?'

'Yeah, totally. Ellen always needs people in the kitchen to wash dishes and bus tables. I bet you could get as many hours as you want.'

'I probably shouldn't work too much, if my grades slip my parents will ask questions.'

'Yeah, totally. It's $4.25 an hour, so if you work twenty hours a week, you'll make like seventy-five bucks a month after taxes. That's a good start, right?'

'Yes, I guess so. But I wouldn't be able to pay room and board with that.'

'OK, so, I have an idea for that too.' He bit his lip and blushed. 'You know how my parents live in town? They said if I didn't want to spend money on a dorm room, I could live at home. When my Grandpa Henry died, they built a mother-in-law apartment for my Grandma Millie. She died last year, so it's been empty. There's like a zoning law or something that says they can't rent it out, but family can live there. So, in theory, _I_ could live there… with my partner.'

The words sank into Castiel's mind slowly, like he was treading through molasses to reach comprehension, but when he got there, he began to shake uncontrollably. There were spots in his peripheral vision, and he vaguely heard Dean's voice saying his name, but all he could do was tear himself away from Dean's arms and curl into a tiny ball while he hyperventilated and cried.

It was too much- it was all too much. In six months, he had thrown away almost everything he had believed in, given in to his unnatural lust, and now he was here talking about rejecting his family and living in sin with Dean. It all came crashing down and sent him into a breakdown.

He had no idea how long he had spent that way, but eventually, bits of stimuli started poking through his mental fog. First it was a warm feeling all around him, then a gentle rubbing motion on his arms, and finally a soft voice gently humming behind his ear. He took a sharp breath, and the warmth around him jerked into something more solid.

'Cas?' It was Dean's voice, and it sounded rough. 'Cas, are you OK sweetheart?'

'Dean,' Castiel croaked, his throat sore from crying and not breathing properly. 'What happened?'

'I don't know, you seriously freaked out.'

'I'm sorry to do that to you again,' he murmured, remembering when Dean had helped him calm down from his panic about losing faith in creationism.

'Nothing to be sorry about. Do you wanna talk about what happened?'

Castiel shook his head. 'I'm tired.'

'OK, let's get ready for bed then.' Dean stood up gingerly, clearly stiff from having stayed curled around Castiel for who knew how long. Castiel felt pretty shaky himself, and Dean had to help him stand up and support him all the way to the bathroom and back. 'Do you want to lie down with me, or do you want some space?'

Castiel could feel the tears welling up in his eyes again at Dean's incessant kindness. He somehow wanted both. 'I'm sorry for "freaking out" like that. I think I'm not ready to talk about… everything.'

Dean's eyes went wide. 'Oh shit, I'm so sorry, Cas. I pushed too far.'

'It's fine, I had no idea I would react that way. It was just too much, too fast.'

'Then we'll slow it right down, OK? It'll be fine,' Dean promised. Castiel nodded and crawled into Dean's bed. Dean was about to join him when he stopped and smacked his forehead. 'Shit. Our laundry is still in the washing machine. Let me just go put it in the dryer, OK?'

'OK.' Dean dashed out of the room, and Castiel let his head fall back onto the pillow that smelled of Dean. He was glad to have the space to digest what had just happened. It felt like everything was spiralling so quickly, but he knew that Dean would put the brakes on everything if Castiel wanted him to.

Castiel did not want him to.

He wanted to throw himself fully into Dean's arms, Dean's heart, and Dean's bed. He laughed a little to himself as he curled more tightly around Dean's pillow. Especially Dean's bed.

Dean came back a little out of breath, having clearly sprinted up from the basement laundry room. Whatever state he expected to find Castiel in after leaving him alone for ten minutes, it apparently wasn't smiling and relaxed, judging by the surprised expression that quickly turned to tenderness.

'Fuck, Cas. I love you so much.'

'I love you too, Dean. Now give me cuddles.'

Dean was happy to oblige.

When Castiel was in the library on Monday afternoon as usual, he decided to forego studying in favour of another kind of research. The sexual education section of the library was surprisingly well-stocked and very informative, even for sex acts that didn't lead to procreation. He was so enthralled that he didn't realise he'd been in the library for nearly four hours until his stomach rumbled to tell him it was dinner time. He quickly re-shelved his last book and hurried back to the dorm to meet Dean.

After a thorough kiss in their room, they went down to the dining hall for dinner, but Castiel couldn't take his mind off the things he had learned, and he definitely couldn't stop picturing doing some of those things with Dean.

'Cas,' Dean whispered, 'stop it.'

Jolted out of his thoughts, Castiel replied, 'Stop what?'

'Stop starin' at me like you wanna rip my clothes off.'

Castiel jerked back, stunned. 'What are you talking about?' he whispered back.

Dean rolled his eyes. 'You've been starin' at me for like five minutes, dude. Got something on your mind?'

'Yes, I do.' Castiel licked his lips and reached under the table to squeeze Dean's knee. 'I'd like to get back upstairs as soon as possible.'

'Oh!' Dean's eyes widened. 'Yeah. OK. Let me just-' he waved down at his half-finished plate of pasta and tucked in at double speed. Castiel ate his at a more leisurely pace, but he wasn't concerned about emptying his plate. The moment Dean was finished, Castiel stood up and took his tray to the rack. Dean was close behind, and they went up the stairs as quickly as possible without running.

The door was barely closed and locked behind them when Castiel pulled Dean into a hungry kiss, leading him towards the beds in a clumsy stumble. His hands went under Dean's t-shirt, raising goosebumps as he skimmed his fingertips over the bare skin.

'Not that I'm complaining,' Dean panted when they broke apart, 'but what inspired this?'

'You,' Castiel replied, tugging at Dean's shirt until he lifted his arms and let Castiel pull it off. Dean did the same for him, but rather than relish Dean's bare chest on its own, Castiel went for Dean's belt next. A hand stopped his.

'Are you sure?' Dean asked tentatively.

'I want you to touch me. I want to touch you. Please, Dean.' Dean took his hand away and let Castiel get on with undoing his belt and fly. When Dean stepped back to take his jeans off, Castiel got his own pants open and off. Down to only boxers, they crashed together again, this time tumbling to Castiel's bed.

'What do you want, Cas? I'll give you anything.'

'Touch me. Please, Dean, touch me.'

Dean pulled Castiel's boxers down and off, tossing them aside before also removing his own. Kneeling between Castiel's open legs, he ran his hands up Castiel's thighs, his hips and his stomach, before trailing his right hand down again. He brushed his hand over Castiel's cock before closing his fist around it, pumping slowly to let Castiel get used to being touched.

'Ever done this to yourself, Cas?' Dean asked. 'I know you hadn't when we first met, but what about later?' His stroking got faster. 'Did you ever touch yourself, thinking about me?'

'J-just once,' Castiel admitted. 'You were working out in the room. I started to touch myself in the shower. But I got scared and stopped.' Dean slowed his movement, but Castiel glared at him. 'Don't you dare stop.'

'You're hot when you're bossy,' Dean chuckled, picking up speed again. 'I thought about you all the time when I touched myself. Heh, like that song.' Castiel stared at him blankly, and he laughed. 'I know, you don't understand that reference. Doesn't matter. Point is, I always thought about you. You're all I wanted, Angel.' The image of Dean lying naked in his bed or in the shower, cock in his hand as he muttered Castiel's name… that was enough to send Castiel off the edge. He then watched with fascination as Dean licked his fingers clean of Castiel's come. 'You taste good, sweetheart.'

With a groan, Castiel pulled Dean down into a kiss, not caring that he was now making a mess of them both. He thought he could faintly taste himself on Dean's tongue, and it drove him insane. When they finally broke apart, they were breathing hard.

'Fuck, Cas. You're amazing.' He planted a few chaste kisses on Castiel's lips, as if unable to help himself. 'How about I get us cleaned up, and then maybe you can help me out?'

'Yes, I want to touch you so badly, Dean.' He stood up to make it easier for Dean to wipe them off, and when he was finished, Dean lay on his back in the bed, hands behind his head and a grin on his face.

'Touch away, Angel.'

Castiel kneeled next to the bed to have easy access to Dean's entire body. Starting with his face, he caressed his fingers down, over Dean's neck, his chest, brushing over his nipples, stomach, and thighs. Dean clawed at the sheets, writhing already under Castiel's hands. Finally, he wrapped his trembling fingers around Dean's length, amazed at the heat and the smoothness under his touch. When he gave a tentative squeeze, Dean gasped, and when he slowly stroked up and down, Dean made a keening sound that made Castiel feel like the most powerful man on earth.

'How does it feel?' he asked in an awed whisper.

'Amazing. So good, Cas. Love your gorgeous hands.'

Remembering the way Dean had touched him, he did an experimental twist of his wrist when he got to the head, earning him another satisfying gasp from Dean. As he quickened his pace, Dean began to moan and squirm, and as he watched, a bead of pre-come appeared at the tip of Dean's cock. Castiel stared, fascinated, and driven by instinct, leaned over and licked it off.

'Fuck!' Dean swore, clenching at the bedsheets and clearly trying not to thrust his hips up. This time, Castiel's tongue took a longer route, starting at the base and licking a wide stripe to the tip before circling around the head. 'Cas… please…'

'What do you need, Dean?' Castiel asked, resuming the work of his hand.

'Need to come,' Dean panted, letting himself thrust into Castiel's hand. 'Tighter.'

Castiel tightened his fist and another moan fell from Dean's lips. 'Next time,' Castiel whispered against Dean's ear, 'you can teach me how to use my mouth to pleasure you. First you would have to show me, of course. I'm sure you would look beautiful with your lips wrapped around me.' Dean moaned again, muttering his agreement. 'I've been doing research. And I think, if you'd be amenable to it, someday I would very much like to penetrate you, and to be penetrated by you.'

Apparently, that was all Dean needed, because he arched his back and came in long stripes on his stomach and Castiel's hand. It seemed to go on and on, and Castiel watched with amazement, knowing that he had brought Dean to this peak.

'Fuck,' Dean gasped when it was finally over. 'I had no idea the word penetrate could be so hot.'

'What should I have said instead?'

'I guess I probably would have said that I wanted to fuck you, but I know cussing's still not really your thing.'

Castiel considered it for a moment, rolling the word around his brain. 'I think… I think for the first time, I would much rather make love to you. But there is a certain appeal in the thought of being so consumed by our lust that it's not lovemaking anymore. Yes, I think I would eventually like to fuck you, Dean.'

Dean's eyes went wide, the pink tinge in his cheeks that had started to fade returning full force. 'Cas. Say fuck again.'

'Fuck.' He'd barely gotten the K out when Dean attacked his lips, the kiss sloppy and frantic as he rolled on top of Castiel and made them both filthy with the come he still hadn't cleaned off.

'OK, that was unexpectedly and unfairly hot,' Dean explained once he flopped onto his back again. 'You're only allowed to cuss if you're trying to give me a boner, OK?'

'You've got a fucking deal.'

Ellen didn't bother with an interview before offering Castiel a job as a busboy at The Roadhouse, scoffing at the idea of him even handing in a resumé. 'This ain't exactly a Fortune 500 company, Cas. I just need somebody who can wash dishes without breakin' most of 'em and won't try to swipe the merchandise. Dean thinks the sun shines outta your ass, so that's good enough for me.' He gave her his class schedule and they arranged for him to work the dinner rush four days a week plus Saturday mornings before opening to clean up after Friday nights and prep the kitchen. When he got his first paycheque two weeks later, Dean took him to open his very first independent bank account with a proud deposit of seventy-three dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Dean insisted that they celebrate such a momentous occasion, but also arranged it so they didn't have to celebrate alone; when they got back to the dorm from the bank, Gabriel's car was sitting on the street in front of it. With a wide smile, Castiel ran towards it just as his brother came out the door. They embraced tightly for a long time.

'It's good to see you, Cas. Really, really good.'

'You too, Gabe. I missed you.'

The sound of a throat being cleared finally made them break apart, and Castiel looked over Gabriel's shoulder to see a thin blond man smiling at them over the car. 'Hello,' he said with a wave to the stranger, who smiled even wider.

'Cas, this is Balthazar,' Gabriel said as Balthazar walked around the front of the car with his hand outstretched. 'Bal, this is Cas. And that's Dean.' Balthazar shook hands with both of them.

'Lovely to meet you both. Gabe hasn’t stopped talking about you since you first spoke on the phone.' Dean and Castiel both looked at him in surprise, making Gabriel laugh.

'Oh, did I forget to mention his sexy James Bond accent?' he said with a waggle of his eyebrows. Balthazar rolled his eyes and put his arm around Gabriel's shoulders, tugging him close to put a kiss on top of his head.

'Please excuse your brother, he ate no fewer than five Pixy Stix on the way here,' Balthazar drawled with clear affection in his voice.

'I was stress-eating!' Gabriel argued. 'I haven't seen my brother in months, and everybody else in my family thinks I'm an abomination.'

Castiel hugged his brother tightly. 'Oh Gabe. I also think you're an abomination, just not for the same reason. That is way too many Pixy Stix.' There was a moment of tense silence, and then Gabriel snorted, which made Castiel giggle, which set off Dean's laughter, and finally Balthazar joined in on the hysterics.

'I'll get used to you telling jokes eventually, Cas,' Gabriel grinned. 'I guess Dean's still been rubbing off on you.'

'At least once a day if we have time,' Castiel quipped, which made Balthazar positively howl with laughter while Gabriel and Dean gaped at him with matching red faces.

'Oh my god, Cas,' Gabriel groaned, 'you've already progressed to sex jokes?'

'It's been an educational couple of months. I swear now, too, but I promised Dean I wouldn't do it outside the bedroom.'

'I like your brother,' Balthazar announced to Gabriel. 'We'll have to hang out more often.'

Gabriel smiled and gave Castiel another hug. 'I like him, too. Come on, let's get some food. My sugar crash is starting to hit.'

They went to The Roadhouse so Castiel could show off his workplace, and because they had the best nachos in Lawrence. The conversation was lively as Dean and Castiel got to know Balthazar, who was a fiction writer originally from London. Castiel was mesmerised by the easy intimacy his brother shared with his partner. They were still discreet, not exactly kissing in public, but there were subtle touches, warm looks, and other little hints that they were a couple that were obvious to anyone who bothered to really look. It was a contrast to how he and Dean behaved outside their dorm room; their chairs were much farther apart than Gabriel's and Balthazar's, and they very purposefully didn't touch each other in any way that could be interpreted as romantic. Seeing another possibility made Castiel feel braver, and when he came back from a trip to the restroom, he moved his chair closer to Dean's and draped an arm casually over the back of his chair. This allowed him to brush his fingertips along Dean's arm occasionally, and the soft smile Dean gave him in return made the risk worthwhile.

When they walked back to Gabriel's car, Castiel let himself drift closer to Dean than he usually allowed, even bumping their shoulders together as they walked. It was a small thing, but it felt exhilarating and brave; he couldn't keep the smile off his face the entire way.

'It was delightful to meet you, darlings,' Balthazar said as he hugged both of them goodbye. 'Do come visit us in Kansas City, won't you? We could make a weekend of it, go to the best places.'

'That would be awesome, right, Cas?' Dean answered, and Castiel nodded enthusiastically.

He and Gabriel hugged for a long time, and when they finally pulled apart, both had slightly damp eyes. 'My place next time, OK?' Gabriel asked, and Castiel agreed. By the time the car pulled away, Castiel's tears were flowing freely. Dean put his arm around Castiel's shoulders and guided him back to their dorm room. The tears weren't because Castiel was feeling _bad_ , per se, but Dean spent the rest of the evening making sure that Castiel felt pretty damn good again anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Castiel has a very poor understanding of how AIDS works; brief description of aversion treatments as part of conversion therapy

Spring marched on, and as the end of the semester neared, Castiel began to dread the thought of spending an entire summer back home. Being away from Dean, away from _freedom_ , made his stomach twist into knots; Dean said his family would be happy to put him up for the summer, but Castiel couldn't think of an excuse his parents would accept for him to stay in Lawrence.

Despite Dean's attempts to help him blow off steam with frequent mutual blowjobs, the stress soon began to bleed through into his academic performance. He barely managed to pass a pop quiz in Professor Mullen's class on religion in American society and was about to hurry out of the room with his classmates when the professor called his name. 'Castiel, can you please stay back for a moment?' Cheeks burning with shame, he stepped aside to let the others pass him before turning to look at his professor. To his surprise, the face looking back at him was full of concern rather than disappointment. 'Castiel, is everything all right?'

'What do you mean, sir?'

'I mean that you have been the best student in my classes this entire year, and today you barely managed to scrape a passing grade. You're conscientious and intelligent, so I can only assume that something is bothering you that's distracting you from your studies.'

Castiel could feel the tears brimming in his eyes, and he wiped them away with frustration. 'I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again, I promise.'

'Castiel,' Professor Mullen said softly, 'this isn't a reprimand. I'm worried about you, and I'm asking how I can help. And please, call me Cain. This isn't the military.'

Castiel huffed out a relieved half-laugh. 'I'm not sure I can, professor. My parents brought me up with a strong respect for authority.'

Cain- as Castiel tried to call him at least in his own head- leaned back and ran a hand through his long grey hair. 'Ah. Strict upbringing?'

'Very. My parents are extremely religious. I was homeschooled all my life.'

Cain's eyebrows shot up. 'Indeed? Are you fundamentalists?'

'Not exactly. Very conservative evangelicals, but not to the point of complete separation and old-fashioned outfits. They do believe in biblical literalism, young earth creationism, and quiverfull ideology. Both of my married siblings went through parent-approved courtships.'

'Fascinating.' He tapped his index finger to his lips and leaned forward again. 'I can't help but notice that you said _they_ believe, rather than _we_.'

Castiel swallowed nervously and averted his eyes. 'The last few months have been… educational for me. I don't know exactly what I believe right now, but… it isn't the same as what I believed when I first walked into your classroom in August.'

With a thoughtful nod, Cain stood up. 'Do you have time to continue this conversation in my office?'

'Um, yes, of course, professor.' Castiel followed him down the hall to a large office full of books and papers and sat in the chair in front of the desk.

'I thought you might prefer a bit more privacy. You don’t have to discuss it with me if you don't wish to, but you wouldn't be the first student to have a crisis of faith after taking some of my classes. Many people are raised in denominations that are so strictly legalistic and literal that they don't allow for any nuance or historical context, and some people find that the entire edifice collapses like a house of cards at the first challenge.'

'Sounds familiar,' Castiel confirmed with a rueful smile. 'There are other complications as well.' He sighed, uncertain about whether to confide any further, and Cain sensed his hesitation.

'College is a time of self-discovery. Sometimes we learn things about ourselves that contradict what we always thought to be true, or what our parents wanted us to be. But I can assure you that this office is a safe space for _everyone_.' He tapped a poster that sat on his desk, making the same statement and showing logos for various organisations preaching tolerance regardless of race and belief. One in particular caught Castiel's eye: a heart linked with a triangle, and underneath the words _PFLAG: Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays_. His breath caught in his throat, and he looked up at Cain with wide eyes.

'Even…' He pointed a shaky finger at the logo, and Cain smiled warmly.

'Of course. Especially that one. My son Enoch… yes, I know,' Cain laughed at Castiel's raised eyebrow, 'Bible geek through and through, what can I say? My wife is a good sport. Anyway, my son lives a very happy and fulfilling life with his partner Matthew.' He showed Castiel one of the picture frames on his desk, of two smiling young men with their arms around each other's shoulders. 'Is there someone special in your life who made you realise your truth?'

'My roommate. He's… we love each other. In that way.' He blushed, looking down at his hands as they twisted together.

'I'm so happy for you, Castiel. Love is so important, and we're lucky when we find it.' His voice was gentle, and Castiel looked up to see nothing but warmth in his professor's expression. 'But I hope he hasn't been distracting you from your studies,' he teased.

Castiel smiled and shook his head. 'One of my brothers is… like me. He lives with his partner in Kansas City. My parents have shunned him.'

'Ah. And you're afraid they'll shun you?'

'If they find out, I'm sure of it. But I'm still dependent on them, and they'll expect me to spend the summer with them. I can't think of any way to avoid it, and I'm dreading every moment already. That's what's been distracting me.'

'I see.' Cain steepled his fingers and looked at Castiel for a long moment. 'Can you afford to stay in Lawrence for the summer?'

'Um, yes, I have a place to stay if I want it. I just don't have an excuse for staying.'

'I'm the faculty advisor for the umbrella group of all the student religious organisations. The student union gives me a small sum to support an intern to assist with the administration of these organisations. Admittedly, the workload would be relatively light over the summer, but I could also use a research assistant. That would mainly be making photocopies and going back and forth to the library, but the title looks great on a resumé.'

'Are- are you offering me a summer job?' Castiel asked with obvious shock.

'As I said, it's only part-time, barely enough to get by on, but it would at least be an excuse your parents might accept, yes?'

'I… yes, perhaps they might. I have another job they don't know about, I could pick up some more hours there as well. But are you sure?'

'We all deserve to live freely as who we really are, Castiel. If I can help you do that in some small way, then it's my pleasure to do so.'

'I… thank you, professor. Thank you so much. I'll speak to my parents and let you know.' Cain stood up and extended his hand for Castiel to shake and bid him good day. Castiel practically ran back home to tell Dean the news.

'Dude, that's awesome! Do you think your folks will go for it?'

'Only one way to find out.' He dialled the number, and when his mother answered, quickly explaining the reason for calling outside the usual time. His father came on the extension, and Castiel explained that he had been offered an internship working with his religious studies professor, doing administration for the Christian student clubs (not a complete lie, but he knew they would be easier to convince if they didn't think other religions might play a role). He explained that it would be good experience if he were to go on a mission after college, and that the money would be useful to save up for that mission, or perhaps even for marriage once he graduated. They were pleased to hear that he was already thinking about his future that way, and proud that he had found such a good opportunity. They were even happier to learn that the Winchesters were happy to house him rent-free for the summer.

With the fear of a summer in Lebanon lifted, the remainder of Castiel's semester went on smoothly, with another round of straight As and a letter home to his parents from KU congratulating him on making the Dean's List. On moving out day, the Winchesters all came with John's truck to help the boys transfer their stuff from the dorm. Castiel was moved into the mother-in-law apartment while Dean technically returned to his bedroom, though they both suspected that John and Mary were under no illusions about where Dean would really be spending his time.

The following week, Castiel received a package from his parents in the mail, containing many of his warm weather clothes, a birth announcement and photo of Hannah's newborn twin girls, and a cheque for five hundred dollars made out to John Winchester, with a note stating that it was for Castiel's food and gas money to take him to church. John cashed it and handed the money to Castiel to put in his bank account, adamantly refusing even a penny of it. Castiel used a small amount of it to buy two pink teddy bears to Hannah.

To celebrate the end of their freshman year, Dean insisted that they spend a weekend in Kansas City, where they stayed with Gabriel and Balthazar. Dean had been to the city before, of course, but for Castiel it was eye-opening. With a population six times larger than Lawrence, which already felt like a huge metropolis to him after Lebanon, Kansas City may as well have been New York for how overwhelmed he felt. The four of them piled into the Impala (Dean had insisted, of course) and did a driving tour of the highlights. The football and baseball stadiums were of particular interest to Dean, as was finding the best barbecue place in town, while Castiel was more interested in the zoo. Once the best barbecue place was determined, Dean found a parking spot and they went for dinner.

'So how'd you even end up in a podunk place like Smith Center anyway?' Dean asked through a mouthful of ribs after Balthazar had recounted, with greater detail this time, his and Gabriel's bakery meet-cute.

'I was several months late on my new book because the New York lifestyle agreed with me a little too much,' Balthazar replied. 'My editor told me to find somewhere quiet to finish my draft, so I threw a dart at a map and it landed in Smith Center. The only place in town with what could even remotely be considered decent coffee and croissants was Gabe's place. He caught my eye straight away- he was such an adorable blushing mess the moment he heard my accent.'

'Shuddup,' Gabriel said, giving Balthazar a playful shove as he displayed said blush.

'So why didn't you guys just go to New York?' Castiel asked. 'Get as far away from Mom and Dad as possible.'

'Cas, it's been a big adjustment just getting used to a place like KC,' Gabriel replied. 'If we'd gone straight to New York I think my head would have exploded.'

'I can work from anywhere,' Balthazar added, 'and I thought I should probably get at least one more book finished before returning to the excitement of the Big Apple.'

Dean finally finished his ribs and started licking his fingers clean. 'What kinda books do you write, anyway? Fancy stuff that wins awards?' 

Gabriel snorted, earning him a smack in the chest from Balthazar. 'Mostly romance novels, though I've written the odd western as well.'

Dean grinned. 'I love cowboys. You ever write a cowboy romance?'

Balthazar laughed. 'An intriguing idea, but I'm not sure my publisher would accept the idea of two cowboys in love.'

'Oh, come on, honey,' Gabriel teased. 'You don't think they'd believe in the power of love?' Balthazar groaned, sending Gabriel into a fit of laughter. 'Sorry, inside joke. Bal hates that song.'

'The song was fine when Jennifer Rush sang it. It's that bloody Celine Dion who's ruined it forever.'

Gabriel patted Balthazar's shoulder sympathetically. 'Don't worry, I'm sure she's peaked now. We'll probably never have to hear her sing anything else.'

The rest of the weekend went so well that Castiel almost didn't want to go back to Lawrence, though he and Dean both had summer jobs to go back to the next day. Then Balthazar pulled him aside and handed him a small paper bag. 'This is probably more of a big brother role to take, but Gabe still struggles with thinking about his own sex life, never mind yours. Read the book and then enjoy the other gifts.' He winked and clapped Castiel on the back, leaving him to open the present by himself.

His face went crimson when he read the title of the book: _The Joy of Gay Sex_. The other contents of the bag were no less embarrassing- lubricant, condoms, a box with something called a cock ring, and another with a small cone-shaped object labelled 'My First Butt Plug' in cutesy lettering. He quickly shoved everything back into the bag, put that into his backpack, and re-joined the others with a renewed urgency to get home before it was too late to explore his new possessions with Dean that night.

'OK, what's with the ants in your pants?' Dean asked as soon as they got home. 'Did Balthazar say something that made you uncomfortable?'

'No, no, nothing like that,' Castiel assured him. 'I just… I've been somewhat…' He pointed at the bulge in his khakis.

'What, you've had a boner since Kansas City?' Dean laughed, but Castiel's embarrassed nod made him stop. 'Wait, really? Why?'

Castiel handed him the bag of goodies. 'Balthazar gave me these, and I spent the whole ride home thinking about them.'

Dean turned the bag upside down on Castiel's bed, his eyes going wide when he saw the contents. 'Holy shit. My First Buttplug, seriously?' He picked up the book and leafed through it; a blush rose on his cheeks as he skimmed. 'Wow. Uh, there's a lot of, uh, pictures in here.'

Castiel looked over his shoulder. 'Oh! That's very, um, educational.'

'Yeah. Educational.' They turned to look at each other, the tension building between them until it finally snapped when they crashed together. Dean tossed the book aside so he could grab Castiel's ass with both hands, while Castiel put his into Dean's hair. A frantic race to take their clothes off followed, and once they were naked, Dean climbed onto the bed and grabbed the lube. 'Do you want to-'

'Yes,' Castiel answered immediately.

'You didn't let me finish the question.'

'Apologies. I just wanted you to know that the answer is yes regardless of the question.'

'Really? Because I was gonna ask you to fuck me.' Dean's blush seemed to cover his entire body, and Castiel could feel himself getting impossibly harder.

'I stand corrected,' he frowned. 'I won't do that.' Dean deflated, but before he could say anything, Castiel continued. 'I told you that I would rather make love to you the first time. I'll fuck you next time.'

'Sweetheart, you can do anything you want, anytime you want,' Dean promised. 'And right now, I need you inside me.' He handed Castiel the lube and got on his hands and knees.

'Um, hold on a second.' Castiel dashed over to where the book had fallen and quickly looked up what to do. Unsure of how to lubricate his fingers while following the instructions, he set the open book on Dean's back. Unfortunately, it quickly fell off with Dean's laughter.

'C'mere sweetheart,' Dean said. 'I'll help you out.'

'I thought you hadn't done any "butt stuff" before.'

Dean blushed. 'I haven't, but I've seen porn and done some research. I think I can tell you what to do.' He guided Castiel through slicking up his fingers and carefully stretching him. Castiel was grateful that he'd built up some stamina by now, because the moan that Dean made when Castiel found his prostate would have been enough to make Castiel come if he'd heard it a few weeks earlier.

'Dean, you're so beautiful,' Castiel sighed. 'I love you so much.'

'Love you too, Cas. Let me turn over.' Dean rolled onto his back and spread his legs. 'Come on, baby.' Castiel climbed into the inviting space, drawn in further by Dean wrapping his bowlegs around Castiel's waist. 'Cas, c'mon, I need you.'

'Should I put on a-' He waved in the general direction of the condoms, but Dean shook his head.

'Just wanna feel you, Angel. Nothing between us.' Castiel still seemed uncertain, so Dean cupped his face with both hands. 'You've never been with anyone, and I've been tested twice since Nick, just to be safe.'

'OK,' Castiel agreed shakily.

'Hey, sweetheart, c'mere.' Dean pulled Castiel down against his chest. 'If you don't want to, we don't have to. It's OK.'

'No, no, I want to, it's just… I thought the, um, the penetrator had to wear a condom so we don't make AIDS.' Dean made a strangled choking noise that Castiel had long come to recognise as the way he tried to hide it when he was laughing at Castiel's ignorance. Castiel narrowed his eyes threateningly, but that only made Dean laugh openly.

'Sorry, Cas, you're just so cute when you look like you wanna smite me. Uh, that's not how AIDS works, sweetheart. It's caused by a virus called HIV, and you catch it from somebody who has it. I tested negative both times, so we can't get AIDS by doing this, OK?'

'Oh. I thought it was the, um, "butt stuff" that caused it.' Now that he thought about it, Castiel realised how stupid that sounded.

'You can actually get HIV from the other stuff we've done, too,' Dean explained patiently. 'But before we ever did anything like that, I already knew I didn't have anything. I wouldn't have touched you if I thought I could make you sick, I promise.' Castiel nodded, still feeling ashamed. 'I thought you did a bunch of research. If I'd realised you didn't know this stuff, I would have talked about it a long time ago.'

'I skipped those chapters. They were scary.' He hid his face against Dean's chest, but Dean just chuckled. 'I'm sorry, I killed the mood.'

Dean ran his hands up and down Castiel's back. 'I think we can probably get it back. Want me to tell you how?'

'Y-yes please.'

'First, we're gonna start kissing again. That always gets your engine running. Before you know it, you'll start getting hard again, 'cause you're gonna start rubbing against me without even realising it, and you'll feel me getting hard too. Then you're gonna put your hand between my legs again, and you'll feel how open and ready I am for you. I'll hand you the lube so you can get your dick nice and slick for me, and then you're just gonna slip inside, nice and slow, until you're all the way in. You're gonna love it, Cas, I'm gonna be so hot and tight for you. And I'm gonna love it too, 'cause I've wanted you inside me for so long. I've dreamed about it. I want it so bad.'

Castiel groaned, Dean's words having made him skip right to getting hard again without needing the kissing or the rubbing. He did both anyway, because they both enjoyed it, but he didn't wait for Dean to hand him the lube. Slathering his cock with a good handful, he urged Dean's legs wider and positioned himself at his entrance.

'Ready?'

'So ready, Angel. Please, Cas.'

Castiel had experienced many wonderful things since meeting Dean, but this was without a doubt the best one yet. He wouldn't have been able to put the feeling into words even if he'd been inclined to try; as it was, he was fairly certain that language was beyond him anyway. A sharp gasp became a satisfied sigh evolved into a blissful moan, and Dean spoke enough for both of them with his babbling and begging as Castiel moved within him. Castiel knew he couldn't last long with the intensity of pleasure he was feeling, so with his last coherent thought, he snaked a hand between them to wrap around Dean's cock.

The touch was barely needed, Dean spilling over his fingers just moments later. The arch of his back, the glow of sweat on his skin, the blush that reached from the tips of his ears to his navel, all made Dean look so beautiful that Castiel followed quickly over the edge. They lay together after, panting and shivering with the coolness of the air conditioning, but neither seemed inclined to move just yet.

'That was…' Dean began, but just ended the sentence with a huffed breath that spoke of his contentment.

'Yes,' Castiel agreed. 'It was- would "dope" or "fly" be more appropriate in this case?'

Dean laughed and planted a kiss on Castiel's forehead. 'I don't know, it might even qualify as "phat" or even "all that and a bag of chips",' he replied, going so far as to join in with the air quotes.

'Hmm, all very complimentary. But I think I know exactly what word to use.'

'Oh yeah? What's that?'

Castiel's eyes twinkled with humour. 'Awesome.'

Although they had just been to Kansas City, Gabriel invited them back to celebrate Balthazar's birthday a couple of weeks later. They had to plan the visit for a Tuesday night due to their respective work schedules, but with both of their shifts starting later on Wednesday morning, Dean and Castiel were happy to make the short trip. Rather than going out, they decided to relax in the apartment, playing board games and eating pizza. A game of Sorry! was beginning to border on violence when there was a knock on the door.

'Were you expecting anyone?' Gabriel asked Balthazar, who shook his head. Gabriel frowned but stood to open the door. 'What the-' The shock in his voice made the three of them look over.

'Gabriel,' came an ice-cold voice from the doorway. Castiel stiffened, all colour draining from his face.

'Mother, Father,' Gabriel choked out. 'What are you doing here?' He stumbled back as Zachariah and Naomi brushed past him to come inside. As their gazes swept over the apartment, their eyes landed on Castiel. Their dismay at finding him in Gabriel's presence was clear.

'How disappointing,' Naomi said. 'We had expected better from you, Castiel.' Dean realised the compromising position they were in and quickly removed his arm from Castiel's shoulders, but it was too late. 'Don't bother to pretend that you haven't corrupted him, Mr Winchester. Or perhaps it was you, Gabriel, who turned your brother from a godly path.'

'Castiel has done nothing wrong, and neither have I,' Gabriel retorted. 'You aren't welcome here. Please leave.'

'Believe me, we would rather not be here,' Zachariah snapped. 'We're here because of Hannah.' Gabriel and Castiel exchanged a look.

Naomi took over. 'As you know, Castiel, Hannah gave birth to twins a few weeks ago. There were… complications, and she hasn't been very well.' It looked like she was wrestling with what to say next; Zachariah put a hand on her shoulder, and she put her own on top of his and squeezed it. 'Hannah has asked to see both of you. The rest of the family has already been to pay their respects.'

'Count me out,' Gabriel stated. 'I can't imagine Hannah needs or wants me there, and I don't trust you to take me to see her anyway.' He turned to Castiel. 'Cas, there's something fishy about this. Don't go.'

'I… I don't know,' Castiel said, clearly torn. 'What if it's serious? I want to see Hannah again.'

'I can promise you that this will be your last opportunity,' Zachariah informed him angrily, 'and only because she requested it. Otherwise we would leave you here and denounce you as we have Gabriel.'

'You're going to do that anyway,' Gabriel challenged him. 'Why take him to see Hannah at all?'

Naomi and Zachariah exchanged a look before Naomi spoke. 'Hannah's situation is serious enough that we don't want to deny her request to see her brothers.'

Castiel paled. 'She's that ill?' Naomi just nodded curtly. 'Gabe…'

'I'm not going,' Gabriel said firmly.

Castiel turned to Dean, who looked uncomfortable. 'If you really wanna go, Cas. Maybe I could drive you,' Dean suggested.

'You are not welcome anywhere near our family,' Zachariah boomed. 'None of you disgusting sodomites are welcome.'

Castiel put a calming hand on Dean's shoulder. 'It's OK, Dean.' He turned to his parents. 'I'll go. But you'll bring me back here tomorrow.'

Zachariah snorted. 'We'll take you to the Wichita bus station.'

'OK. Please wait in the car for me, I'll be right there.' The Novaks gave the room another look of disdain before stalking out.

'Cas, don't do this,' Gabriel pleaded. 'I don't know what's going on, but I don't trust them.'

'I don't either, but if there's a chance of seeing Hannah- if she's really that ill, I need to go.'

'You call me if you need anything, Angel,' Dean said, pulling Castiel into a tight hug. 'I mean anything. I'll come get you in Wichita if you want.'

'I'll be fine,' Castiel assured him. 'I love you.' Dean returned the sentiment with a sweet kiss. 'I'll see you all soon, OK?' Three concerned faces looked back at him, but he squeezed Dean's hand and followed his parents outside.

The three-hour journey to Wichita was spent mostly in a tense silence except for the cassette of a particularly fiery sermon against alternative lifestyles that Castiel was certain had been chosen for his benefit. As they approached the city, Castiel frowned when they took an unexpected exit off the highway. 'This isn’t the way to Hannah's.' Zachariah and Naomi looked at each other, and Naomi shifted in her seat. 'Mom?'

'Hannah is fine,' Naomi replied. 'She had a scare when the babies were born, but it's fine now.'

'Oh, that's good,' Castiel said with increasing confusion. 'Then why did you drag me all the way down here?'

'There's somewhere else you need to be. Away from Lawrence, away from college. Away from that Winchester boy, and certainly away from the demonic influences that have claimed your brother.'

Castiel could feel panic begin to stir in his chest. 'My studies… I need to…'

'You need Jesus,' Zachariah snapped. 'We should never have let you go to that place.'

'Dad, please, I-'

'Quiet. Your mother and I have found a place for you. They'll help you with your… _problem_ ,' Zachariah said with clear disgust in his voice.

'What problem?' He was shaking now; he knew exactly which problem his parents met, and he was growing increasingly afraid of what was going to happen when they reached their mysterious destination.

'You know very well what problem, Castiel,' Zachariah growled. 'Gabriel may be beyond saving, but he was always a difficult child. I nearly wore out my belt on him. You, though- you've always been a good, obedient boy. You can still be saved if you beg God for forgiveness and let him back into your heart.'

'Dad, please, where are we going?' Castiel begged, but Zachariah was apparently done talking.

'It's for your own good, Castiel,' Naomi said imperiously. 'You'll thank us when you're cured.'

'Cured?' His face blanched. What was that supposed to mean?

'Cured of your sickness. And then you'll come home, away from the bad influences that corrupted you.'

'No. I'm not sick. Where are you taking me?' Castiel asked, growing increasingly frantic. Apparently, Naomi had decided that she had imparted enough information. She turned around again and ignored her son for the rest of the drive.

Around fifteen minutes later, they pulled up to what looked like a normal two-story suburban house. The only indication that it wasn't just someone's home was the huge flag with a cross hanging on the flagpole and the plaque next to the door that said _Freedom From Sin Foundation Treatment Center_. Castiel's blood ran cold. He remembered that name from a flyer he had seen on campus last semester; Campus Crusade had invited a so-called ex-gay speaker who had attended one of these places, perhaps even this one. Dean had been furious, and a small group of students had protested outside the event, but Castiel had wondered if it really were possible to change himself.

Cain had spent a long time talking to him, showing him the research that showed such things didn't work. Dean had at first felt hurt at the thought that Castiel would purposely want to get rid of their love, but he fought his own feelings of rejection to help Castiel work through it. They had come through it stronger than ever, and Castiel had felt even more secure in his identity as a gay man- as something that was as natural and integral a part of himself as his eye colour or his shoe size. Gay conversion therapy was little less than religious torture, and his own parents had brought him here. He shuddered; they couldn't possibly know what would await him on the other side of that door. They wouldn't want him to suffer- would they?

The door opened to reveal a rat-faced, curly-haired man in a blue shirt and brown cardigan. 'Ah! Mr and Mrs Novak, I presume?' He extended his hand for them to shake, ignoring Castiel completely. 'I'm Marv Curtis. We spoke on the phone.' He finally looked over to the third member of the party, a look of concern on his face. 'And this must be your lost soul.'

'I'm not-' Castiel began angrily, but Zachariah interrupted.

'This is Castiel,' Zachariah replied.

'Oh, I thought his name was Gabriel.'

'It was too late for Gabriel, but we found that Castiel was in the same position, so we brought him instead. We have the things you asked for.' Zachariah handed Marv a small suitcase, which Castiel hadn't even noticed in the car. 'Toiletries and two weeks' worth of clothes. Unfortunately, these are in Gabriel's size, so I'm not sure much will fit Castiel.'

'Oh, not to worry, it'll be fine. We provide scrubs for the treatments, so- Castiel, was it? So Castiel can just wear those for now.'

'What treatments?' Castiel asked.

'Be quiet,' Zachariah snapped. 'You will speak only when spoken to. You will obey Mr Curtis completely and without question.'

'Shall we go in and discuss the treatment plan?' Marv suggested, stepping aside and gesturing with his arm.

Zachariah shook his head. 'No need. You know your business. Call us with progress reports as you see fit. We'll send the remaining payments as agreed.'

'Dad… Mom, please. Don't leave me here,' Castiel begged tearfully. 'Shun me if you must, but don't leave me here.'

Naomi gripped his face tightly with both hands, her expression fierce. 'Castiel, you are my son and I love you. It is my duty as your mother to save your soul if I can. I will not give you up to the devil without a fight.' With that, she and Zachariah turned and left, leaving him stunned speechless.

'Well, I guess that's that,' Marv said. 'Come on, let's get you settled in.'

The downstairs had a living room with two sofas, a couple of armchairs and a coffee table, a dining room with a long picnic-style table with benches, a bathroom, and a large kitchen. A door in the kitchen led to the basement, which Marv said contained the treatment rooms. Upstairs was another bathroom and five small bedrooms, three of which were already occupied. Marv led Castiel to a room with the number four on the door. It was plain, with only a twin bed, a nightstand with two drawers and a lamp, and a wardrobe. A set of white scrubs lay on the bed. Marv set the suitcase down just inside the door.

'Mr Curtis, please-' Castiel began, but Marv cut him off.

'There's no use trying to beg or bargain. You have one job while you're here: repent and cleanse yourself of your sin. I'll give you a few minutes to unpack and change into the scrubs, and then we'll begin.'

'Begin what?' Marv just gave a little smirk and what was almost a giggle before closing the door on Castiel. His hands shook as he changed into the scrubs. What was awaiting him in that basement?

Marv was waiting for him in the hallway, and together they went downstairs. The basement was divided into two rooms, one of which had a hospital bed beside a small box with wires coming out of it. The other looked like a dentist's office with a large TV in front of the chair.

'We use a variety of treatments for our reparative therapy,' Marv explained, guiding Castiel to the dentist's chair. 'Of course, there's a lot of prayer, but however willing the spirit, the flesh is often weak. The treatments deal with that weakness.' With surprising speed for a man of his build, Marv grabbed a needle from the tray beside the chair and jabbed it into Castiel's upper arm before he could react.

'Argh! What the hell?' Castiel cried, but within seconds he started to feel drowsy and limp.

'Just a little something to calm you down,' Marv's voice came through a fog. Castiel could feel his arms and then his legs getting strapped to the chair, but he couldn't fight against the restraints. Beside him, Marv mixed something in a cup and put a straw in it before setting it on the tray. He then walked over to the television, switched it on, and put a video in the VCR on top of it. With the remote in hand, he settled in beside Castiel and pressed play.

To Castiel's shock, a scene of hardcore pornography appeared on the screen, with two naked men having loud and enthusiastic sex. His jaw dropped, and Marv took the opportunity to put the cup in front of him and order him to take a drink. He took a sip and gagged at the disgusting concoction. When he tried to look away from the screen, Marv set down the cup and held his head, using his fingers to keep Castiel's eyes open. Within a few minutes, Castiel began to feel himself gagging more, his stomach threatening to revolt. Marv must have expected that, as he released Castiel's head and reached for a bucket on the floor. He put in front of Castiel just in time for the contents of his stomach to empty into it.

'Good. This is how you should react to seeing that filth. It's poison for your body and your soul. Purge it from yourself.' Once Marv was satisfied that there was nothing left in Castiel's stomach to throw up, he put the bucket aside and stopped the video. After releasing Castiel's arms and legs from the restraints, he gave Castiel a little cup of mouthwash to rinse out the taste of vomit. 'I'll take you back to your room to rest. Bible study starts in forty-five minutes.'

After a nap, Bible study and endless prayers and confessions with the three other residents of the house, Castiel expected dinner, but apparently fasting was also part of the reparative therapy process- there would be no food until the following day. Still, despite his hunger, despair and frustration, he went to bed with only one thing on his mind: Dean.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Homophobia, brief description of cruel conversion therapy techniques, including fasting, aversion therapy and electroconvulsive therapy, none of which are performed with Castiel's consent

The next two weeks were the worst of Castiel's life. He had twice daily aversion therapy sessions, with prayer and fasting in between and afterwards. The one meal a day he was allowed left him hungry and unsatisfied, and he lost weight so quickly that Marv had to give him smaller scrubs after ten days. Worse than all of that, though, were the electroconvulsive therapy sessions. He had only had to endure a couple of those, but they had been the most painful and terrifying experiences he'd ever been through.

Marv seemed to take a perverse pleasure in watching him cry, and particularly enjoyed telling him how bad and disgusting he was for loving Dean. Not that the word love was ever used; Marv referred only to lust, to ungodly desires that had to be destroyed. What he felt for Dean could never be love, because it was corrupt and broken, a sickness to be shocked and purged from him.

He was starting to lose track of the days now, and only knew it was Monday because for one thing, the household had attended church the day before, and also because Marv had announced that he'd be starting the week with another shock session. Castiel groaned as the current was applied and he convulsed, Marv not believing in anaesthetic to ease the procedure. Satisfied with the result, Marv undid the restraints and helped him sit up before leaving him alone in the room to recover. A couple of minutes later, Castiel heard the sounds of a door slamming and raised voices from upstairs. Still feeling disoriented, he slid off the bed and crawled to the corner of the room on all fours, keen to hide himself away from the disturbance. He had just curled himself into a ball when the door burst open and a familiar figure appeared.

'Cas!' Dean cried out, running to the shivering mass in the corner. 'Gabe! I found him! Hey, sweetheart. Hey, it's OK, it's me, it's Dean,' he murmured, reaching a tentative hand to Castiel's shoulder. He jerked away, but Dean didn't let it dissuade him. 'Cas… Castiel, it's OK. I'm not going to hurt you.'

'Can't… bad…' Castiel muttered, hiding his face behind his hands.

'No, sweetheart, you're not bad.' Dean tried to touch Castiel's arm again, and this time he allowed it. 'I'm here to help you. Will you come with me?'

Castiel shook his head furiously. 'They'll hurt me. Can't be with Dean, it's bad, it's wrong. God hates me.'

'God doesn't hate you, Cas. These people, they're wrong. _They're_ the bad ones. They hurt people. God wouldn't like that, would he?'

'He would. His wrath is terrible. I'll burn forever.'

'No, you won't. They're wrong, Cas. They're _wrong_. You're good. I promise you.' He gently gripped Castiel's hands and pulled them away from his face. 'Show me those baby blues, Cas. That's it.' Castiel still looked terrified but seeing Dean's face seemed at least to make him more coherent.

'Dean? Is it really you?'

'Really me, baby. Gabe brought me. We're bustin' you out of here.' Gabe himself ran into the room as if on cue. 'Help me out here, man, he's still freaked out.'

'Hey Cassie, it's me,' Gabe said soothingly, as if to a spooked horse. 'You wanna blow this popsicle stand?'

'There aren't any popsicles,' Castiel said sadly. 'I guess they're too phallic.' To Dean and Gabe's surprise, he started giggling.

'OK, let's get out of here before he gets completely hysterical,' Gabe suggested, and helped Dean lift Castiel from the floor. 'You need to get anything before we go, Cas?'

'Doesn't matter. Can't leave until I'm cured.'

'Ain't nothin' wrong with you, Cas,' Dean insisted. 'Gabe, how we gettin' out?'

'Through the front door, Dean-o. It's technically not a prison and he's over eighteen, so they can't hold him against his will. He just would've been made too scared to try and leave alone.'

The three of them walked back through the hallway and, as Gabe had promised, right out the front door without anyone stopping them. They helped Castiel into the back seat of the Impala, where Gabriel joined him, and Dean put pedal to the metal before anyone at the house could have a change of heart about letting them leave. Castiel held his arms around himself tightly, only vaguely hearing the conversation Dean and Gabriel were having.

'My place isn't safe. Bal and I have started looking for another place, but once Zach and Naomi realise that Cas is out, they'll probably go to KC first,' Gabriel was saying, and Dean nodded.

'We'll go to my folks, my mom would chase them off with a shotgun before letting them get to Cas.' They came up to a red light, and Dean took the opportunity to turn around. 'How you doing, sweetheart?' he asked Castiel gently.

Castiel curled in on himself even more, leaning against Gabriel for support. He didn't want to hurt Dean, but he couldn't look him in the eye right now. Even with all that had happened to him in the last couple of weeks, he still felt lust when he looked at Dean, lust _and_ love, and he could feel the bile rise in his throat from the aversion therapy.

'Give him time, Dean,' Gabriel said softly. 'The kind of stuff they do there…'

'I know,' Dean replied. 'It's OK. It's OK, Cas.' The car behind them honked its horn, forcing Dean to turn back around and continue driving. 

Castiel let his mind drift, not paying attention to the little conversation that was going on between Dean and Gabriel. Much of the journey was completely silent, not even one of Dean's cassette tapes playing to break the monotony. Eventually he fell asleep still curled against Gabriel, who held him protectively. He only woke up again when the car stopped and Gabriel shook him.

'Hey, Cas, we're here. Let's get you inside,' Gabriel urged. Castiel heard the squeak of Dean's door, then what sounded like someone running down the porch to the driveway.

'Did you find him?' That sounded like Mary Winchester, and she was clearly worried.

'Yeah. It was messed up, Mom. I think they were, like, shocking him or something. He was so scared, he could barely look at me.' That was Dean, and he sounded so upset that it made Castiel's stomach clench.

'Oh, honey.' Mary must have hugged Dean then, because whatever he said next was muffled. 'We'll take care of him,' she reassured him, and the next thing Castiel knew, the back door was opened. 'Hi Cas. How about we all go inside for some lemonade? It's still so hot out here.'

'That sounds good, doesn't it, Cas?' Gabriel agreed. 'Come on, let's get out of the car.'

Castiel let himself be shuffled from the Impala to the house in a stupor. Dean hung back, probably remembering the way Castiel had shied away from him earlier; something inside of Castiel yearned to reach out for him, but he couldn't make himself move the way his heart wanted.

Once inside, Mary ushered Gabriel and Castiel to the couch while Dean got drinks ready. Balthazar, John and Sam were waiting inside, and Sam ran to Castiel to give him a hug, not noticing the momentary flinch before Castiel returned the embrace.

'Hello Sam.'

'Cas, we were so worried about you! Are you OK?'

'Sam, let the boy sit down,' John reprimanded gently. 'It looks like he's had a tough time.'

Dean came through with a tray of glasses and pitcher of lemonade, which he set on the coffee table before sitting in the chair farthest away from Castiel, even as he looked at him with longing. Castiel cleared his throat. 'How did you find me?'

Gabriel responded. 'I thought something was shady with the Hannah story. When you didn't come back after a few days, Dean called me, and I called Hannah. Before she hung up on me, she said she was fine and had never asked to see us. Then I started to wonder.' Gabriel took a deep breath and exhaled roughly. 'The reason I ran when I did is because I found out that Mom and Dad were going to send me to what they called reparative therapy. Also known as conversion therapy or plain old torture if you're being honest about it. They found out about Bal- I think somebody must have seen us at the bakery or something.' He shook his head. 'Anyway, I heard them talking about it and decided to leave as soon as I could. When they came to the apartment, I figured that was their last-ditch effort to save me or whatever.'

'So why did they take Cas?' Sam demanded.

'I refused to go with them, but Cas believed the story about Hannah being sick. I guess they figured they might as well try saving one son from perdition. They'd probably already paid for the service.' Gabriel's voice was bitter, and he hugged his brother a bit more tightly. 'Anyway, it took a little while to figure out which place they had taken him, but we got the right one eventually.'

'Will they come back for him?' Dean asked quietly, as if he were afraid for Castiel to hear him.

'I think we can make it clear to them that they shouldn't come near us again. Might be safer to get a restraining order.'

'I've already started looking for a new place for us,' Balthazar added, 'and we don't think they'd show their faces here.'

'They can fucking try,' John said, eyes dark with anger. 'What kind of parent-' He cut himself off, curling his hands into fists and turning to Dean. 'I know I was a bit slower to come to terms with it than your mom and Sam, but I would _never_ have done something like that.'

'I know, Dad,' Dean assured him.

'And we won't let them hurt Cas any more than they already have,' Mary added with a combination of rage and conviction in her voice. 'We should file a police report as soon as possible.'

Castiel's whimper made them all turn to him. 'Please just leave it,' he begged them.

'But Cas!' Dean exclaimed, but Gabriel cut him off.

'If he presses charges, he might have to see them again. I'll handle it. You gonna be OK for a bit while I make some calls?' he asked Castiel, who nodded and tightened his grip on the lemonade glass. Balthazar stood as well, and he and Gabriel stepped outside together.

'Cas, honey, do you think you should see a doctor?' Mary asked gently. 'Did they hurt you physically?'

Castiel wasn't sure he'd be able to talk about it, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it came pouring out. 'He hurt me. He gave me electrical shocks and he made me throw up and he barely let me eat.' The words kept coming as he sobbed. 'He tried to make me hate myself and Dean and our love for each other. I think he wanted me to- he made me wish I was dead.'

In a flash, Dean was on his knees in front of Castiel, still too afraid to touch him, but looking up with pleading eyes. 'Cas, I love you, please don't ever say that!' he begged.

'Dean,' Castiel whispered, and tentatively patted Dean's head. He felt his stomach churn from the conditioning but swallowed down the acid that rose in his throat. 'I'm sorry.'

'Ain't got nothin' to be sorry for, Cas. Not a damn thing.'

Castiel looked up to ask the other Winchesters for some privacy but was surprised to find that they had anticipated him- he and Dean were alone in the living room, and he hadn't even noticed them leave. 'Dean, I don't know when or- or _if_ I'll be able to… to be with you again.'

The look of despair Dean gave him was heart-breaking, but only for a moment as Dean schooled his features to a more neutral expression. 'All that matters is that you're safe. If you don't feel that way about me anymore, I'll deal with it. But you're my best friend, Cas. I just want you to be safe and happy.'

Castiel shouldn't have been surprised; almost from the moment they met he had known Dean to be selfless and kind. Of course he would set aside his own happiness for Castiel's comfort. And yet, he _was_ surprised. Perhaps having been confronted with the worst and cruellest of human nature had made him forget the goodness that was possible, but here it was in front of him. Dean had risked his own safety to drive three hours to Wichita to rescue him. Then he remembered Gabriel's story of finding the right place eventually.

'Dean, how many places did you and Gabriel have to look before you found me?'

'Uh, well, that Freedom From Sin place has like six locations. At first Gabe thought they'd take you close to home to keep an eye on you, so we hit up the houses in northern Kansas and southern Nebraska first. That was like three places. But you weren't there, so we bribed the people running them to stay quiet and not tell the other ones. Luckily they didn't, I guess.' Tears began to stream down Dean's face. 'I'm sorry it took so long to find you. I should've known after you didn't come back before the weekend. We didn't even _start_ looking until Saturday, and we were so _stupid_ , we should've known they'd take you to the Wichita one so you wouldn't get suspicious until it was too late.'

'Dean-' Castiel tried to interrupt him, but Dean wouldn’t have it.

'We couldn't figure out where the treatment centres were at first. Gabe couldn't remember the name of the ministry, and it's not like they were in the Yahoo Directory. We wasted another couple days randomly looking in phone books and stuff before I remembered about that ex-gay thing they had on campus last semester. So I called Charlie, 'cause she had been at the protest, and she remembered that it was called Freedom From Sin. But that wasn't in the phone book, because it's not actually a company or church of its own. The places are actually owned by a church group called Boyle Ministries, run by that Buddy Boyle guy on the radio.' Castiel remembered that name- it was the preacher from the cassette his parents had been playing while they drove him to Wichita. 'It took a while to untangle everything, and Charlie did some kind of hacker thing that I don't understand, but we got the addresses of all the treatment centres and spent three days driving around until we found you.'

'You went to a lot of effort.'

Dean looked up at him with pure love in his eyes. 'I'd go to the ends of the earth for you, Castiel.'

Something inside Castiel shattered, and all he could do was cry. Dean panicked and began to apologise; his desperation must have caught the attention of the rest of the house, because Mary came running in, followed by everyone else.

'What's going on?' she asked frantically. 'Is Cas feeling sick?'

'I don't know, we were talking and then he just started crying so hard he could barely breathe,' Dean replied hysterically. 'I think I upset him. I'm sorry, Cas.'

Castiel managed to shake his head through his sobs and scrabbled at Dean's t-shirt to drag him up from the floor to the couch and threw his arms around him. 'I love you.'

Dean practically melted into him. 'Love you, Angel. Love you so much.' Castiel was vaguely aware of the sighs of relief behind them, but his focus was on Dean until he heard Gabriel's voice.

'OK, I think we're good. Threatened them with calling the cops if they tried to see you again, and told Michael, Hael and Hannah the same. They should leave us alone now. Hey, what did I miss?'

'Thank you, Gabe, for everything you did to find me.'

Gabriel waved a hand. 'That's what family's supposed to be about. Anyway, you should thank your boy there. He did all the really hard work.'

'And Bal,' Dean added. 'He paid all the bribes.'

'Oh please,' Balthazar said with a shake of his head, 'it was literally the bare minimum I could do. I was completely useless otherwise.'

'Thanks to all of you. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't-' His voice broke and he couldn't continue.

'Are you hungry, sweetie?' Mary asked after a pregnant pause. 'I made your favourite burgers.' He nodded, forcing out a weak smile. 'Good. Come on everybody, let's have some food.'

After dinner, Gabriel and Balthazar came to the mother-in-law apartment with Castiel. He insisted that they take the bed while he slept on the couch. Truth be told, the thought of what he'd done in that bed still made him feel a bit green about the gills. He wondered if he would ever be able to touch Dean intimately again after Marv's so-called treatments.

The next morning, Gabriel shook him awake with the offer of a cup of tea and toast. Castiel took them gratefully. 'Good morning, Gabe.'

'Morning. Sleep OK?'

'Some nightmares, but I got some rest.'

'Yeah, I guess that would happen.' Gabriel paused, and Balthazar squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. 'Cas, there's somebody I think you should talk to.'

'Who?'

'Her name is Dr Mosely. She's, um, she's a therapist.' Castiel must have recoiled, because Gabriel's eyes widened, and he held up his hands placatingly. 'Not like that place. A real one, who doesn't think being gay is wrong. I've been having therapy with her for a while now.'

'Why?' Castiel frowned.

'Where do I start? Mom and Dad messed me up pretty bad, Cas. Even though I knew it was going to happen, the way they just dropped me after I came out… I'm their _son_ , and they hated me because of who I was! That's fucked up!' Balthazar squeezed again, and Gabriel took a few deep breaths. 'I got really depressed for a while, and Bal suggested I talk to somebody who could help me. We found Missouri- Dr Mosely- from a list of gay-friendly healthcare providers.'

'I'll think about it.'

'Good. I'll leave you her number. Unfortunately, I have to go back to work. I used up all my personal days already.' He sounded remorseful, but Castiel stood and wrapped him in a hug.

'Thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you.'

'Love you too, baby bro. You let that boy of yours take care of you, OK? He's a good one. Don't lose that because of the great big bag of dicks we call a family.'

'I'll try.' Gabriel and Balthazar both hugged him goodbye, and he walked them to the door of the apartment. They had barely walked away from the door when Dean appeared in front of it holding a bouquet of flowers.

'Hey Cas,' he said shyly. 'How are you feeling?'

'Hello Dean.' Castiel fought back his nausea and accepted the flowers. 'I'm a little better today, thank you. How are you?'

'I'm fine. Do you need anything? Can I get you some food or anything?' Dean asked eagerly.

Castiel thought back to what Gabriel had said. 'Actually, may I use the phone?'

Dr Mosely's office was based, quite fittingly, just over into the Missouri side of Kansas City. Dean refused to hear of Castiel taking a bus and drove him to every appointment. When Castiel had freaked out about his jobs, Dean had personally spoken to Ellen and Cain to explain what had happened, and both offered their unwavering support for Castiel to take as long as he needed.

At first Castiel hated going to therapy. He had only been at the treatment centre for two weeks, and he remembered all the stories of Christian martyrs who had suffered hideous tortures for months or even years. How weak and pathetic was he for not just getting over his own brief distress? Missouri threatened to whack him with a spoon for thinking that way, and he came to accept that what was done to him had been cruel and painful, and his suffering deserved to be taken seriously even if it hadn't been long lasting.

Slowly, she began to unravel the effects of the aversion therapy, and by his third session he was able to look at Dean without a hint of discomfort. Two sessions later he gave Dean a tentative kiss on the lips when he got back to the Impala, and only didn’t drag him into the backseat because they were in a respectable suburb. That night Dean returned to his bed, though both were fully clothed in pyjamas and did nothing more risqué than kissing and cuddling.

It was the end of the summer by the time Castiel finally felt able to resume full intimacy with Dean. They celebrated the occasion with Castiel tenderly making love to Dean as they had done their first time together. They celebrated the next day by Castiel fucking Dean's brains out with wild abandon. They celebrated the day after that by Dean taking his turn to make love to Castiel, and the commemorations were rounded off with Dean fucking Castiel so hard that neither of them were particularly interested in walking the following day.

The beginning of the semester was rapidly approaching, but despite the strides he had made with his therapy, Castiel didn't feel that he could return to his full-time studies just yet. Missouri supported him in working with the guidance counsellors at KU to take a part-time course load for the semester without losing his scholarships. They even agreed to allow Dean to attend classes with him for the first week in case he needed support. It would put him behind track to graduate, but he could worry about that later.

First day of term finally arrived hot and muggy, and Castiel was grateful that he and Dean were now living in the mother-in-law apartment rather than the non-air-conditioned dorms. They drove to campus and parked in the student lot, taking a moment to sit in the Impala for Castiel to calm his nerves.

'You ready?' Dean asked, his hand squeezing Castiel's thigh in a comforting grip.

Castiel took a deep breath and blew it out like Missouri had taught him. 'I think so.'

'I'll be right there, OK? It's just two classes, and I'll be there the whole time,' Dean assured him.

'Thank you,' Castiel replied softly, trying not to feel ashamed at what he felt was his weakness. As if reading his mind, Dean pulled Castiel into his arms.

'I can practically hear your brain calling you names, sweetheart. Stop it. You're amazing. You've been through hell and you've come out of it. You can do this.'

'I can do this,' Castiel repeated. Dean gave him another squeeze before letting go and getting out of the car, rushing around to open Castiel's door like a gentleman. He extended his hand to help Castiel out of the passenger seat and didn't let go once he was on his feet. Castiel entwined their fingers together and took another deep breath. 'I can do this,' he repeated, his voice a little stronger.

'Fuck yeah,' Dean agreed. 'Let's go kick it in the ass.'

Castiel smiled and squeezed Dean's hand. 'Fuck yeah.'

_July 1998_

**_The University of Kansas_ **

_By the authority of the Board of Regents of the State of Kansas and up on the recommendation of the Faculty of the_

**_College of Liberal Arts and Sciences_ **

_confers upon_

**_Castiel James Novak_ **

_The degree of_

**_Bachelor of Arts_ **

_with all its rights, privileges, and responsibilities_

_given under the seal of the University of Kansas_

_this seventeenth day of May, nineteen hundred and ninety-eight._

Castiel stared at the piece of paper in his hand. He had worked his ass off to make up for that part-time semester, taking summer classes after sophomore year and full loads in his third and fourth years to be able to graduate with Dean. The ceremony had been mainly long and tedious, with brief moments of cheering for his friends as they walked across the stage. Afterwards, the Winchesters had hosted a barbecue for them, and Dean and Castiel had collapsed with exhaustion in their apartment with barely enough energy for a goodnight kiss.

After only a couple of days of relaxation, Castiel had started his full-time summer job at the Roadhouse, working five days a week in the kitchen to save money for the masters programme he was starting in August. Luckily, on the day diplomas became available for pick-up, Ellen had said it was OK for him to come in an hour later so he had time to go by the registrar's office. He dropped it off at home first, but Dean had already left for work by then, giving him no reason to dawdle before heading over to the bar.

He went in through the back door as usual, having long since been given his own key by Ellen so he could prep the kitchen and start cooking a few hours before opening. He loved being in The Roadhouse at this time, when he could just be alone in the quiet morning with his thoughts. That was why it was such a shock to his system to hear music coming from the main bar.

At first, he panicked, thinking someone had broken in, but it didn't make much sense that they would announce their presence so loudly. Still, just to be cautious, he crept quietly to the door that led into the bar and peeked through the round window. His frown turned into a wide smile when he saw Righteous on stage, with a single table and chair right in front of it. He opened the door and walked in, getting a smile and nod from Dean that apparently also acted as a cue for the band. As soon as he heard the first strum, he knew what they were playing.

'I hear a voice in my mind, I know his face by heart,' Dean sang, tilting his head to indicate that Castiel should take the seat by the stage. He knew the way from muscle memory, so he didn't break eye contact with Dean for even a moment before sitting down. 'Heaven and earth are moving in my soul, I don't know where to start _._ Tell me, tell me, the words to define, the way I feel about someone so fine. How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold him close to where you are? How do you talk to an angel? It's like trying to catch a falling star.'

Dean stepped down from the stage and went down on one knee in front of Castiel, using the other knee to keep his guitar propped up. Castiel couldn't take his eyes off him, he looked so gorgeous. Dean grinned at his devotion, but then rolled his eyes and averted his gaze to the table. Castiel followed his example and realised there was something sitting there.

A small velvet box, open and holding a silvery band.

Chuck had to sing the next verse by himself, because Dean's mouth was a little busy.

'Is that a yes?' Dean asked when Castiel finally let him go.

'I should probably let you ask the question before I say yes,' Castiel teased.

'Serenading you with the song I wrote for you while down on one knee isn't enough?' Dean teased back, but he took off his guitar to allow him to take Castiel's hands comfortably. 'You're it for me, Cas. I know it can't be officially official or whatever, but I wanna have a big party in front of all our friends and promise to love you for the rest of my life. I was kinda hoping you might wanna do the same. So will you be my husband even if the stupid government says it doesn't count?'

'Fuck the government,' Castiel replied. 'I would love to be your husband. Yes.'

'It's still so fuckin' hot when you cuss, sweetheart,' Dean growled before claiming his fiancé for another kiss.

'Is that a yes?' Charlie called out from the stage, and Dean shot her a thumbs up without stopping the kiss. The band cheered as they finished the song, and finally Dean pulled away so he could put the ring on Castiel's finger. It was plain silver, not flashy or expensive, but to Castiel it was the most valuable thing he had ever owned.

The next day, they went to the same jewellery store and picked out a ring for Dean. The party ended up not being that big- just the Winchester family, the Singer-Harvelle family, Gabriel and Balthazar, and the band, but Ellen closed the bar for it anyway and they had an awesome time. In exchange for not playing 'My Heart Will Go On' at their reception, Balthazar paid for a room in the Eldridge Hotel, accompanying them to check-in to make sure they received top level service thanks to the power of his platinum card. Neither of them cared that the state of Kansas and United States of America didn't see them as newlyweds- they made damn good use of that honeymoon suite all the same.


	9. Epilogue

_Seventeen years later_

'So are you guys going to get hitched officially now?'

'You guys must be so happy, you can get married for real!'

'I'm waiting for my actual-wedding invite, guys!'

'Hey, no more living in sin now, you're finally allowed to make an honest man out of him, haha!'

Castiel stormed into the house, slamming the door shut and refraining from throwing his bag only because it had his laptop in it. He grumbled and swore as he removed his shoes and stomped as well as he could in socked feet to the kitchen where Dean was making dinner.

'Hey sweetheart,' Dean said with a kiss. 'Rough day?'

'If I hear one more fucking person ask me if we're getting married "for real" now that it's legal, I'm going to punch them in the face,' Castiel growled.

'Uhh…' Dean replied, but now that Castiel had started ranting, he wouldn't be distracted.

'As if being together for over twenty _fucking_ years isn't "real" enough for them.' Dean flinched at the menace Castiel managed to get into the air quotes he still used after all this time. 'Like the commitment we made to each other in nineteen _goddamn motherfucking ninety-eight_ doesn't mean anything. Like me rejecting my entire upbringing and most of my family for the sake of our love has somehow been _lesser_ because it wasn't recognised by the stupid government of this stupid state and this backwards country. ARGH!'

'OK. That's definitely a shitty way for people to look at it,' Dean said placatingly. 'I'm sorry people have made you feel that way, Angel.'

All his anger vented, Castiel flopped against Dean and let himself be held. 'I'm sure most of them mean well. It's just hard to hear so many people say they don't see our marriage being as valid as others because until now we haven't been able to get a piece of paper.'

'I know, baby,' Dean murmured. 'You know I don't see it that way, right?'

'Of course, Dean.'

'Good. Keep that in mind when you go to the table, OK?'

'The table?' Castiel squinted at Dean, who just turned him around and pushed him into the dining room. As they walked, Dean fiddled with his phone, and suddenly a familiar tune started up. 'Dean…' Castiel's jaw dropped. There on the table was a velvet box with a silvery ring and a printout with the heading _Getting married in Douglas County, Kansas_ , while through the tiny speakers of Dean's phone, the one bootleg recording that existed of _How Do You Talk to an Angel?_ broke the silence.

'Now I'm kinda wishing we had talked about this beforehand, but…' Dean took a deep breath. 'I don't think this will make our marriage any more real or serious, because it's been real for me from day one. What it _will_ do is make it possible for us to be each other's next of kin and heirs, make our insurance a fuckton easier, and let us sue the pants off of any fuckers who don't treat us like husbands. But honestly, a lot of that stuff doesn't matter that much either. I just want to be married to you in every possible way, and now that this way is an option, I want to add it to the list, because I love you more than anything and I want every damn person to know it.'

'Dean,' Castiel whispered, tears rolling down his face as he rested his forehead against Dean's. 'I loved every part of that, especially the bit about suing the pants off of stupid fuckers, and the being married in every possibly way. Very much yes.'

'That's a relief,' Dean huffed. 'Because this baby's platinum and engraved.' He held up the box and Castiel took out the ring, which was indeed engraved inside with their initials on either side of an infinity symbol.

'You old romantic,' Castiel teased as he put it on, nestled against his old one.

'It's what I would have gotten you back in the day if I'd had more than twenty bucks to spend.'

Castiel looked down at his silver ring, a bit scuffed and the worse for wear after nearly two decades, but still as precious to him as the day he first put it on. 'You could have given me a ring from the gumball machine and I'd still wear it just as proudly.'

'I know, sweetheart. And I almost did, Sam had to lend me the twenty bucks.' They laughed and traded happy kisses until they were both breathless, and Dean pulled back to ask, 'So what do you say? Marry me "for real" now that we can?'

Castiel rolled his eyes and batted at Dean's hands. 'Yes, Dean, I'll marry you "for real" now that we can. But don't you dare refer to it that way ever again.'

Almost exactly twenty-one years after they first met, they sent out invitations declaring _Dean and Castiel are getting married… "for real" this time!_ Some things didn't change, though: the party was still at The Roadhouse, and while they were able to use their own credit card this time, they once again spent their wedding night at the Eldridge Hotel.

Though perhaps not as bendy as they were in their early twenties, they were still able to make damn good use of the honeymoon suite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suspect you recognise the inspiration for the art at the end of this chapter ;-) I hope you've enjoyed my indulgent love letter to the 90s, thanks for reading!


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